Finally figured out what's mine...

Last year, around this time I wrote a blog about peoples resolutions and the pressure's that they put on themselves. How people need to make the effort to change the things that they were dissatisfied with, instead of bitching and doing nothing.
I wouldn't call this an update,  but maybe just some musings over the last 12 months of my life and the trials I have faced....  2012 has been a strange year. Really strange.

It started as quite a hard time for me, for 2 reasons. Friends know one, and my closest friends know both - but this isn't about either of those things. The point is that I struggled a hell of a lot over those first couple  of months, a lot. But I have learnt and gained so much this year too. It has been a learning curve and a half for me.

I am now more assured than I have ever been of myself, I know myself better than ever before. I know my breaking points and  my strengths. And I discovered this year that I have pretty much the most incredible friends ever. I mean, I knew they were pretty fucking awesome, but really - They are beyond that.
Some of them have been putting up with my shit for years, (and really guys, I don't know how you did it, but thank you) - others haven't been around that long, but my fuck have they made an impact. I am very fortunate.

I am a very big believer that everything happens for a reason - which means people leave our lives or come into them at the point they do for a purpose. Early in the year I met someone I thought would be no more than a casual acquaintance - Only to find that this person would become a damn good friend and whats more,  would drag my ass kicking a screaming through a really tough time and offer me a degree of stability and the confidence to do things I have been unable to do before. This person walked into my life a week after I really needed someone.
Similarly, a close friendship I had hit the shit pretty badly, early on, and over several months of being quite mean and hurtful, lots of anger and frustration and deciding that the friendship wasn't worth the effort or work - it was almost lost. But, something would always pull it back at the last minute, and it's taken some work, but I'd say we are even closer now and for someone who caused me a lot of hurt, I would not want to consider my life without him around, and he  is pretty damn protective of me - seriously, hurt me - you'll be on his shitlist.
Even my more casual friends, occasional drinking buddies - I have been in a position to have to ask a couple of really shitty things of them and yet they have at no point been mad at me.
Is it me? Am I just that damn lovable? Fuck no - I am just lucky enough to be surrounded by fucking amazing people.

So, 2012 has been a year of struggle, sadness and learning - personal growth n all that shit (no, I don't mean I got fatter either). I have made drastic choices and decisions for myself  - without really having to worry about anyone else or the impact's it may have had. I have done things for myself for the very first time in a long time, and that is something I have seriously needed to do.
I have almost fallen apart this year, and I have been held together and drawn strength from the best people in the world - at least until I found my own again.

Over the next few days I expect to see a lot of comments about how shit the last year was, and how the next one will be better... that's shit. It's what people make of it - it's perspective. I could say it's been shit - but it hasn't because I choose to take out of it the good things. I choose to see the positives that have come out of the hard times. And I choose to use them things to improve my self and my situation.
Next year will be awesome - because good or bad, I learn from every little experience - because good or bad, I have the best people in my life. And now I'm ok and it's my turn to hold them up when they need it. And good or bad,  I can't wait to see what's next.

A li'll respect

Why can't motherfuckers respects other motherfuckers motherfucking shit?

Really.... We live in a world of political correctness gone insane. We are so very worried about offending other races / choices and cultures that we are deprived of our own liberties. I had a conversation today about some Muslim guys who had burnt a poppy on remembrance day and got a fine, while some British dude got prison time for graffiti'ing a poppy on a mosque. The person I was talking to was more enraged that he had gotten prison time  - and all I could think was ''why would he do that to a Mosque?, why so blatantly disrespect someone Else's beliefs'' - and likewise, why did the Muslim guy burn the poppy, what did he gain from disrespecting a symbol of remembrance? I really don't understand why it is so fucking difficult for people to see how fucking simple EVERYTHING could be, if people just showed some fucking respect!
Seriously, has no one heard of  'live and let fucking live' such a simple phrase that could create so much peace!

And why oh fucking why is it a 'hate crime' to abuse someone of a different race or life choice, when its just a normal crime to abuse someone of the same race and life choices! We are so careful of being labelled 'racist' that we actually limit our own liberties and rights.
And I'm fairly certain that Britain is the worst place for it, constantly over-punishing its own citizens for simple things in the name of political correctness, while people from outside our country get a free pass. Do we get the same free pass in their country's? Do we fuck - and no we shouldn't.... Ignorance is no excuse, if we break one of their laws, we should be punishable by their standards... as should they ours.
That's about it really, rant done. I just feel the need to be angry about this for a while - and please don't think I am racist or anything - as I said Live and let fucking live! I want to be the king of the whole damn world, not just Britain - I would so put shit straight ;)

Got all your demons held at bay...

I have fear on the mind - not your conventional 'fear', but the other stuff, the every day stuff! I have always said (and I really do believe it) That you should do something that scares you, every day!

Its easier said than done though - its not so easy to find something that scares you that often, and then there is the fear itself! Its a natural instinct, so f course you would hold back. It's all about self preservation! And sometimes I realise that I'm not living by the rules of my own philosophy.

But I realised this morning that over the past couple of weeks I have indeed been biting the proverbial bullet! This morning I took down a spider from my bathroom ceiling (ok, i used a broom, but this is progress for me). Now zombies I can handle, but things of the 8 legged variety ~ not so much, so go me!  There would have been a time I would have been scrolling through my phone to see who could come save me!
On a more serious note, a week or so back I started to learn to swim. I'm 32 now and I have never been able to. I'm not so scared of drowning, that is actually something I have nailed quite well, in fact. But in order to learn to swim, I had to put my faith 100% in someone else, that really is scary. I have bee told I'm to independent and I have never in my life allowed someone else that much trust, but I did it, I took a breath and let it go. And so, for the first time I swam, not far, not wonderfully well, but I know I can now.
I don't trust easily and I definitely do not allow anyone to look after me. I don't need it, I never have. I would rather be stubbornly independent, than to put faith in someone, only to find that someone no longer there and myself lost. So that, it was a big thing for me.
And on a scarier note, the other day, I opened myself up in a pretty major way too. I left myself exposed and vulnerable, these are not things I am comfortable with . I spend my life building walls and working on keeping people at a distance! I don't let people in and I don't ever put myself in a position of weakness with people, and yet I did! What's more, doing so has made no change (ok, so I did not expect it too) , and yet, I find myself oddly at ease with my actions.

Is this a new turn around? I don't think so, but I certainly seem to be taking little leaps of faith lately, so all I can say is that I hope they keep on coming and becoming much bigger leaps!

Too cool for school?

So, random - and possibly brief thought here...
Today I was told I was liked by some poor impressionable sod, because I was 'cool'. Naturally I laughed it off, I am not cool! But the friend giving me such a label persisted.... and It has given me pause to think...

At school, I was poor, awkward and clumsy - I was an oddball (and not through choice, I didn't know who I was at the time). Did I want the popular kids to like me? I don't know, I don't remember - but isn't that how most people get on in school? So I'm not gonna lie, I will just say possibly (although, the friends I had were damn good ones and, now - I would pick them over the 'cool kids' any day) hell, probably even. I had a massive chip on my shoulder and a terrible attitude, I openly drove people away - I will never really know why, I think some fucked up defence mechanism! It's not relevant now!
The point is - I was never anyone who could be classed as cool, EVER!

So, how is it now, that I remain outside the crowd and yet I have been given this label? I am still not financially well off (I am frivolous as hell with my spare cash). I am still awkward and clumsy, however I make it funny now. Do I want t be friends with the 'in crowd'? Fuck no! I want to be friends with the genuine people, the ones who I can turn to, who except all my 'off the wall crap and don't get freaked out by my shit-storm of a mind, those who accept my fuck ups as a lovable trait! And luckily I am!

So, all things told, I am not entirely different! I am more assured of myself, I have lost the terrible chip on my shoulder and I have belief in myself for standing out.
I am just amused that a label that I have been given today I have been given for practically all the same reasons I would never have been given that same label 16 years or so ago! I would love to say it's because society has changed, but I know its just that my friends have grown up - and they are awesome (well, of course, they have to deal with me, bless them!)

Dirty deeds

So, my rant today is about sex.
Simply enough, why are people so prudish, so narrow minded - So un-willing to experiment?
Fair enough, it is a more open subject today than ever before, but I still find that there are a lot of people out there, totally un-willing to even consider certain possibilities! Why would anyone deny themselves pleasure? Why do people think sex is such a dirty thing, or judge people for enjoying it?

A friend recently said to me ''I'm scared to let my girlfriend finger my ass, I'm worried I will like it'' I really don't know why he would be scared of liking it. It's his girlfriend, it won't make him gay (Not that that should be an issue either). People attach far to much stigma to things. Guys, you wanna fuck your woman's ass, then great, but you gotta take a li'll something back too.  Same way that if you want a threesome, you really should consider both ways. Really, your lady is probably quite insecure against another woman in the bed, if she's gonna do that for you, then let her have another guy..... its rude not too!
Equally I don't get why guys get upset or intimidated by their woman having toys ~ fuck it, use it. You like turning her on? Break out the goods, really ~ it's not a competition, its a toy..... use it to enhance your sex life. These things shouldn't be for DIY only.

I meet so many people who like to think they are filthy, or like to think they want a filthy partner, but the truth is ~ when faced with something a little experimentational, they freak out. It genuinely confuses me ~ Why would you deny yourself something that could feel amazing? And if it doesn't, well ~ At least you can say you tried it. Is it really that harmful, to play around a little?
You only live one life, so play, experiment, enjoy it, every was possible!

Size matters...?

I have spent most of my night watching Festival highlights on TV. This always makes me wistful, it also makes me smile though. Most of my best memories are festival related and the best 5 days of my life are likewise.
These are, of course highlights from festivals I have been too ~ and there is always stuff I missed (watching another band or something). Anyway, I was discussing earlier with a friend, how much I would like a day ticket to see the Foo Fighters at Leeds or Reading this year. His response was that, while he wouldn't mind ~ he would rather catch them at a smaller gig of their own, than at a festival.

Having spent most of my gigging life at venue's such as Norwich's Waterfront and the UEA I very much appreciate the intimacy of a smaller gig, its much more personal, you can see much better, you don't get freezing cold, have to wade about in mud or get piss thrown over you ~ All bonus's, I agree. Another perk is that you get a decent time slot with the band you wish to see.

However, all it took for me this evening, was watching a crowd 80,000 (or possibly more) people deep, moshing, hands in the air, in the cold and the rain. Seeing this, (even on TV highlights) reminded me, why I would still choose a festival, the atmosphere alone is so intense, it is an amazing feeling to be part of that crowd ~ Even watching it back, knowing you were there. It is a completely in-comparable feeling to anything else I can think of. I think for me, it is one of the greatest highs I have ever experienced, and when I watch it back, and realise the sheer size of the crowd I was a part of, there is seriously nothing like it.
So, whilst I can say, I have a passion for music and I very much love the personal atmosphere of a small venue, and I shall continue to gig as much locally as I can. I can genuinely say there is really nothing like being part of an immense crowd, out in the open, braving whatever the weather throws at them, hands in the air, jumping, dancing, moshing and singing back the songs as loud as they can, that comes with an open air festival.
So, yeah! For once I can genuinely say, size makes a difference ~ Now, I think I need to go find myself a Bloodstock ticket! :D

Just open your eyes, Just open your eyes and see that 'life is beautiful...'

Today is amazing!

It didn't start that way, (ok, it wasn't all bad) but generally I didn't sleep to well, I SO didn't want to go to work and I felt crappy. However I managed to drag myself in. Several cup's of tea didn't help and the groggy feeling didn't pass - Until I was asked to destroy some furniture. This may well sound silly, but I basically spent my working day kicking, smashing and wrecking furniture which was seriously fun! On top of that I had to carry it all down 2 flights of stairs alone and I ran (yep, actually ran) back up those same steps every time I went up - So today has been a massive endorphin rush!

Getting home from work (after a cheeky desperado's or 2) I was in no mood to relax, so I decided I would take some stuff up to a friend. (Ok, finally getting toward the point of this blog - not that I know what said point is yet...)

As I left, it was warm, sunny and raining - I decided a jaunt through the woods and onto the beach was in order. Minutes later I found myself running again through the woods, up steps etc - I have NO idea where the hell all this energy came from, but right there, and then the rain poured - and it was amazing! There I was, walking along in the warm rain, music playing, smiling like a fool. Because life is not just beautiful - It's fucking stunning!

I have not had the best few months and lately, I have come to realise a couple of things, which firstly, do not really need to be discussed here, and secondly, have put me in a generally good mood. But today - and this evening have bought it all into focus, so very well! When it came to turn off to go home, I just carried on walking (and running some more - not the best shoes for it either, nearly slipped a few times), because in that very moment I was experiencing a moment of perfect happiness, no doubts, no worries, no confusion. And at the same time, I felt so inspired to write - I had so much to share with you, I have lost much of it now.

I realised the rain storm I was walking out of, was as beautiful (possibly even more so) than the sunset I was walking into.

I realised I am exactly where I am supposed to be, at this moment in time. I am grateful for the upset and pain I have suffered, because it has made me appreciate the beauty in things just that little bit more. I am surrounded with some truely amazing people. Its hard to believe I have known some of them as long as I have - Harder to believe I havn't known some for so much longer.  And more-so I am glad I have made the effort to make amends to some that have been wronged and to have forgiven their wrongs, because it is stupid to let people leave over the small things ~ Nothing is Trivial!

I have so many plans - I have no idea how they will be financed, how I wil fit them in or any of the boring details, but I don't care - I'm going to stop and smell the fucking flowers!  I have an amazing adventure in front of me, with amazing people. I'm excited - I'm truely happy, waking into the sunset or the rainstorm. I'm ready to jump of the ledge, anyone wanna take my hand???

There was a time I was everything to you. I was the flame that kept you burning all night
Now I'm fading and you don't even know....

Download 2012

The day before (Tuesday)


It was the day before Download 2012, Steve picked me up and we went to Tash's where she was finishing getting ready. After that we went onto Tesco's where Steve and Tash bought lots of Porridge, something I found hilarious as it just makes me think of period blood, (an in-joke from Sonisphere 2011). In tesco we ran into Jenna & Emma & Rob and I decided to get in the cereal shelf, there was great disagreement on my value, though. Later Jenna & Emma joined us for a movie night, where we watched Team America - this resulted in us attempting to walk around like puppets, poking each other in the eye and saying 'shush'. We also decided our official camp greeting would be the Team America distress signal.

We eventually went to bed, all excited about the next morning and the road trip to Download.

Day 1 (Wednesday)


We left nice and early, Picking up Alice at the train station on the way ~ I'm not so sure she appreciated my shouting with the megaphone at 8.30 - we crammed her stuff in the car and it was so tightly packed we could hardly all fit in, me & Alice were tightly packed in under everything. We arrived at Thickthorn at 9 where we met Rob, and eventually arranged to meet the rest of the convoy in Thetford- after Thetford we had a 5 car convoy, awesome music, stuff to munch and we were on our way to DOWNLOAD, excited, singing and hopeful that the weather would hold out, as we could see some sun. I had also gotten Emma to write the 'Honk if your Horny for download' Sign across my boobs, similar to the sign in the car, but more fun. We had also liberated helium balloons from McDonalds, which made the megaphone all the more fun. Shouting 'Cumknuckles' with a lungful was hilarious. Alice had a sleep in the car and Tash decided the megaphone would be the best way to wake her up when we were close to Donnington, singing the middle bits to 'My Sharona'.  When we parked the weather finally gave out and the rain started in earnest. Getting in was easy, finding a camp not so much ~ running into Scott & Ralph I discovered they were in green and it was full, (I also took the opportunity to introduce them to Steven, who was adamant I had made them up from 2010). Luke text me from red, where there was some room but not enough for our 15 odd people. We asked the stewards to open Brown camp, but they refused til morning - at this point we sent scouts to the managers office to ask him to ask the stewards to open brown,  while this was going on me ad Alice went to scout other camps, where we found a steward who told us that white would open very soon (and to keep this quiet) ~ we reported back to the group, and started to make our way to White (when it was announced very loudly that White had been opened). When we got there it was a massive free for all run for land ~ but we found space for all of us and started to set up a circle for our group. This is when it pissed down (resulting in my purple hair running and giving me a purple face), the rain washed off my 'honk if your horny for Download sign too. Setting my tent up (which took me & Luke 20 mins at Soni) took 6 -7 people and 2 attempts, Only we could make such a cock up of something sooooo simple! After a while and with my tent pretty much sorted, I looked out to find 2 strange lads randomly camped in the middle of our circle, I tried to be nice, y'know, asking if they were lesbians, if they were douches or friendly, and so on ~ I don't think they liked me, and eventually we looked to discover they had gone, so I made a start on making friends with some new people camping near us (I was nicer to these ones, but they were not in the middle of our camp). Then came the gazebo, a task which may have been simpler if me and James didn't start sword fighting with the poles, (I won, drawing first blood) and gaining disapproving looks from people who were actually trying to be useful.

Anyway, finally pitched it was time to buy donuts and make a run to the car for essentials like beer, Jager and megaphones! Collecting these I saw Ralph again ~ who wanted to hear 'IT', So I held my arm in the air and played the pre-recorded ''CUMKNUCKES''  several times over, he shouted it back to me. We both walked away with big smiles. That was the last time I saw Ralph & the last time I used the mega-phone ~ sad times!

This is how it happened, I had 20 mins to get from the parking lot to the doghouse to meet Sammy & Luke, so off I went ahead of everyone, walked straight through the front entrance (megaphone in hand), straight past all the security & stewards in the village (megaphone in hand) and met the guys ~ who took me through the mire that was the easiest way to red camp - which is where I was approached by 2 stewards and my megaphone (sitting innocently under my arm - at that) was taken! The first one, she was reasonable ~ said she would try to get it back to me, the second ~ she was a bit of a cunt (and not the lovely kind, either) getting the rule book out and all that shit. I begged for it, I explained that we had gone through soooooo much for that megaphone, but it was useless ~ I knew we would never see it again! Sad sad times! I hope something she loves is taken from her. (nah, I'm not bitter or spiteful, honest). Anyway, arriving at red camp, and a meeting with little John & big John, we soon set off  again for the village and white camp, on our way there I met a girl who said no one would hug her, so I did - she was pretty damn hot, covered in mud and wasted :D, she told me she loved me and kissed me! That was me in a good mood for a while and some of the lads quite gutted that I got to kiss the first hot chick! After that I hugged several muddy people, including a guy who made a comment that caused quite an awkward moment.....

We got to our camp in white, chilled a bit, had some drinks and went off to the village to meet Dukes. On the way I saw a very very drunk Tom, who was struggling to stand up in the mud ~ I actually ended up holding him up for sometime, while he told me how much he ''fucking loves me sweetheart, and should contact me more'' several times over, (He didn't remember any of this the next day). The rest of the night was a blur of eating noodles  (which did not taste very good - and therefore ended in Luke nagging me like a wench, about eating *rolls eyes* (Sorry, love). Mooching about with Luke, Sam, Dukes and Limara and of course, the waltzers (this was my one and only trip on the waltzers this year, which is a rare thing). We also met this awesome guy, who was adamant he was clean and sober, but was completely tripping over some green laser lights, outside a store. He was pretty funny and promised to take me away from all my friends, put his arm around me and started walking off, but then he seemed to be worried that kidnap was upsetting me, and took me back. Eventually we went back to Duke's tent for some beers, met a girl who made Maddie jokes, so I liked her instantly, also she was really funny to rip too because she was going on about he boyfriend so much! The night proved enjoyable until we were joined by a random drunk man, who had lost his tent, funny at first soon became kinda creepy and annoying. He was in fact so bad, the 3 of us bailed, leaving Dukes to deal with him (sorry Dukes) ~ it took bribery with a can of beer or 2 and about half an hour for Dukes to get rid of him. Luke and Sam left me at the edge of my camp and off they went. My intentions to crash diminished when I discovered Simon, James and Alice still sat in our camp, so I joined them and ended up talking movies, music and reminiscing with Simon about Download 2010 and Stone Sour and That moment.
I finally Crashed about 3am.

Day 2 (Thursday)

Thursday did not start well, I woke up to the sounds of rain, slept, and woke later to the same sound. I then finally moved and discovered that I had a leak in my tent and half my clothes were wet. I dug out something wearable and and laid the rest of my things out to dry (a big mistake). After my breakfast beer I made my way to the toilets with Tash, who had fallen over and asked me to do the honour of cleaning her ass, of course I obliged willingly, while Emma managed to get some charge in my phone. Later I went off to the village to meet Luke and Sam again, for further mooching, finding of people and socialising, I think I started the hunt for wellies at this point too, but being stubborn, I wanted cool ones ~ there were no cool ones left, and I definitely wasn't about to buy boring green ones or girly ones!!! After a while the lads went back to their tent and I think I hung for a little while with Limara and Dukes. When I got back to camp I received the news that my tent had 'camp aids', I tried to patch it with gaffer tape and Dukes's spare army tarps, I then went back to the village with Curtis and purchased boring plain (black though, not green) wellies ( the best £15 I spent all week). I also ran into Tom, (Again greeting him with my chosen shout of  ''Tom, you beautiful bearded bastard'' who was drunk, and had no memory of loving me so much the day before (Damn heartbreaker).

By the time I returned to the camp the tarps was off and my tent had an indoor pool (high class, there) and the reports of 70mph winds were coming in. James said I could stay in his sisters tent for the night, and I would crash with Joho the next night, however James's spare tent had a flood too. Luke offered me a space with them for the night, so again I met them in the village and they came back to my camp to help me move, during this I also discovered that all my clothes were soaked and ruined, so luckily the move pretty much consisted of my sleeping bag (thankfully un-affected) and beer, I got sympathetic hugs from everyone and off I went. Arriving back at red camp, we started on the beer, Ben came to join us ~ apparently he had stolen Frenhie's rum & Dandilion&Burdock, something he told us several times. Ben was pretty much the entertainment for the night, although he would be in trouble with the little lady for half of it, some of this lead us to the invention of the song ''Ben's kid'' an emotional rendition of the short life-span of his foetus.

''We'll be on our way back home when Ben's kids dead, we'll be on our way back home when Ben's kids dead, We'll be on our way back home, well be on our way back home, We'll be on our way back home when Ben's kids dead - Of an abortion''

We should write more lyrics! This may seem harsh, but its ok, because Ben is going to make his missus a cup of tea, when everything is done. He also came out with legendary lines such as ''You haven't met welsh Steve, have you?'' ''Well, you probably don't know him then'' ~ and grabbed my boobies, jiggled them and then just laid back down. Honestly, it may not seem much written down, but we were in tears! I decided at this point that I was going to make us all a Download highlights CD when I got home and send them each a copy, everyone thought this was a great idea (except for Luke, who can't be arsed with such things) and decided they would do the same...(ok, Luke said he would, but we all know he won''t be arsed, right!?) I have no idea what time we went to sleep, but we were excited about the next days music. Also, the 70mph winds had kicked in and it was soooo very cold, we all squished in together as much as possible, which made my fidgeting a very difficult thing to do!!! Every time I turned over, it was like doing a 6 point turn, haha!

Day 3 (Friday)


We woke up late, and I had to walk forever to the gold camp toilets, (where I did yet another bright orange poo. Sexy, right?) but today was the day the music would start, it was also the day I promised I would help Fred sneak in....

Firstly, though ~ I had to meet Joho, not easy as we were at different burger vans in the camp, however I finally saw him ~ and he was really close to our white camp site. I leapt him, Luke hugged him and he mocked Luke's beard, mocking which lead to Joho calling Luke 'Half-beard' for the rest of the festival. Having shown him where we were camping and making quick introductions to the guys in the camp, I had to leave to meet Fred.

We had grabbed Luke's ticket as we left camp, so we wandered down to the entrance, where I was already slightly late to meet Fred. On meeting him we discovered the news that the arena would open 2 hours late due to ''unstable sight conditions'' ~ we are still not sure what this means, as they did nothing at that point to make the ground any better. Our first worry, however, was getting Fred in ~ the scam was simple. Fred would take Luke's ticket to the box office, stating he had been camping since Wednesday, and that somehow his wristband had been ripped off. To work this scam, Fred needed to look like he had been there a while, so we swapped his jacket for my muddy hoodie, he took my poncho and awesome hat, and then ~ Luke, Sam and myself spent a few minutes rubbing the mud from our wellies all over Fred. 10 minutes later he returned, having blagged his way through several questions, with a weekend camping wristband (win, right ~ no, he had to give up Luke's ticket in order to get it, Luke was displeased by this ~ however, I promised him mine ~ a situation which was resolved finally without having to give it up). We still had about an hour to go before the opening of the arena, so Luke got the worlds biggest burger ~ luckily he has a pretty large mouth! I got my cup of tea,with 6 sugars ~ enough to keep me buzzing without food for a decent length of time, and we made our way to the arena entrance, where ~ awesomely I saw a very beautiful man, complete with Picachu hat and Hawaiian shirt, time to rape Joho (and stash his Ameretti and coke in my bewbs, as Is my usual technique for getting alcohol into the arena) while waiting to get in ~ good start to the day!
After quite the wait and the first few bands being cancelled, we were in ~ I made a beeline for the 2nd stage to watch 'absoulote power', losing Joho in the process, as he had gone to the Pepsi max stage, where they were actually playing. The end of 'the quireboys' sounded ok though and I stayed put for 'Terrorvision' ~ Seriously, I can't watch them enough times, they are always great. Then on to 'NOFX', by this time Fred was half a bottle of vodka down, I still had Joho's Ameretti and coke and 'NOFX' were killing it. Fred introduced me to his friend Tim, whom I greeted with ''Oh, is this the guy who needs to man the fuck up?'' ~ Always a charmer, me. (explanation, this guy had been to worried about getting in trouble to help Fred sneak in).

It was  around this time I saw my first cripple, and shouted instantly ''Crip'' (I nailed the Crip game this year ~ even spotting a couple that gave me double points)

From there we saw 'Billy Talent', I was supposed to leave halfway through to catch 'Little angels', however I was enjoying Talent's set to much (up until they gave a slot of their time to the 'Cancer bat's, whom I dislike) to leave. They were much better than when I had last seen them, but i was disappointed that they did not sing 'Pins and needles'. Next came 'Machine head' who played an awesome set, by this time I was well in the festival mood and very happy where I was. Although I was also pretty cold and wishing I had my gloves. I went off on my own for a while afterwards, to the Pepsi max stage to watch 'Soil', who had the marquee jumping around like crazy, also at the beginning of their set, a dude climbed up the side of the marquee and was running around on its roof, kinda cool. Then it was back to the second stage for 'Slash & Miles Kennedy' (amazing in 2010, watching them transported me right back to the sunny afternoon when I had last seen them) ~ This is a gig I recommend to all. Even though it was an incredible gig I was starting to get really cold and I was wondering if I could continue to enjoy it as much, and just when my doubts kicked in, those un-mistakable chords came in - and they rocked 'Sweet child o'mine', I instantly forgot the cold and sang as loud as I could ( sorry to those who could hear me).

I had time to kill after Slash, so I decided to have a mooch around the stores while everyone else watched the prodigy. I hunted for gloves (I lost my fingerless ones at the football ~ Football is clearly a very bad man) ~ and eventually bought my 2nd best festival buy, a pair of long socks, the woman at the store provided me with scissors and I made them into full arm length gloves with thumb holes. Much warmer, I went to the ice cream van where we had all agreed to meet, as had everyone at the damn festival! It wasn't the best idea we had. Luke couldn't even remember which van it was, Sam found me though and we made our way back to the camp. We were pretty anti-social with everyone, as it was so cold and wet. The 3 of us got in our sleeping bags to get warm and sang along to Sam's ipod, taking it in turns to pick songs til we fell asleep ~ yeah, we are hardcore! Also, everyone outside seemed pretty mad at someone called Charlie ~ Sammy found this pretty funny and kept telling me to stop pissing everyone off. It became a weekend long thing, apparently Charlie really isn't that popular.

Day 4 (Saturday)

I woke up Saturday to the sound of rain ~ it had become a familiar sound, and in all honesty, my heart was no longer sinking when I heard it (especially after I had bogarted a poncho from Ben ~ yay for dryness).
We again got ready for the trek through the mud and made our way to the village (where we bought important supplies, like jaffa cakes) and found that the race track was open for us to walk to the arena (No Carlube signs this year). Making our way along the track, we saw green grass for the first time in days. I can't lie - it was a shock to the system, having lived in a brown world for the last few days. We got to the arena, 3 beers stuffed in my bra (my tits cold as hell) and made our way to catch the end of Halestorm on the 2nd stage. After Halestorm we hit the vodafone tent up for Sammy, where I ran into James & Rob ~ I decided to leave with them for a while to see Ginger Wildheart. I chose Trivium over Turbonegro (Although they were good, this is a decision I now regret), before meeting up with Luke & Sam again for the epic set performed by Steel Panther. Amazing, that is all ~ There were bewbies a-plenty, a naked man crowd surfing and they sang Community Property ( I was soooo chuffed, singing this with 70/80 thousand people ~ amazing) and THEN ~ they only went and got Corey Taylor on stage with them, to sing 'Death to all but metal' ~ oh my days. I couldn't be much of a happier man.  This awesomeness, was greatly followed by 'Tenacious D' ~ who had a giant cock on stage (their fenix), a metal off with the Satan and again joining that many people singing 'Fuck her gently' and 'tribute' is a definite highlight. We also met these 3 funny as hell Scottish guys, who quickly became obsessed with Luke's cock (I think this started because of his height?) ~ one them even text the screen ''Shout if you think Luke should get his walloper out'', (sadly ~ this didn't actually appear) they were great, could have spent more time with them. The day got better than ever when I saw what was, for me the best set of the day ~ pepsi max stage, crammed into the tent, hardly able to see a thing ~ and I have literally never seen so much adoration for a man as I did when Corey Taylor came on to do his own set. Everyone was fist pumping, shouting his name over and over. Corey opened with 'Bother' (those of you from 2010 know the significance of this, and although it wasn't as emotionally charged as it had been then, it was still amazing). We got treated to a new song from Stone Sour (Taciturn), previously unheard outside the band and stunning covers of 'Comfortably numb' and 'Down in a hole', as well as expected classics like 'Snuff' and 'through the glass', he had his crowd hoping on 1 leg to 'Spit it out' ~ even in the mud, and wellies, pretty much everyone joined in. And when you thought it couldn't be anymore incredible Andy Coping comes on with some dude from Metal Hammer to present Corey with a Golden Gods award for being the singularly BEST act (for Slipknot) in 10 years of Download! Corey accepted this with the expected mixture of emotion, humbleness and humour and the marquee went insane, chanting for him well after he left. I have clearly lingered on this longer than other bands, but it really was my highlight, and Corey Taylor NEVER fails to deliver something amazing, even when he is not expecting it!

Well, after that how else could a day finish ~ other than by watching the mighty Metallica? (with a li'll Killswitch engage between ~ during which time we had a high five line, the 4 of us trying to get as many people to high five us in a row as possible). Even after I had seen Metallica play a 3 hour set last year, they were still incredible, opening with 'Master of puppets', working their way through the entire 'black' album and moving onto finish with 'one', 'battery' and 'seek and destroy'. So many people had made their way to the front, we were pretty far back and there was a sea of people on all side's of us, when they sang 'Nothing else matters' all I could see before me was a field of lighters and phone screens, and somewhere around 100 thousand people singing along ~ there are not words for it. Sadly, during this time Luke was clearly not enjoying Metallica as much as I was and for a while he was all I could hear, so I had to move away for a while, in order to enjoy the band that originally started my love of metal. I was also sad that I had to text Drew ''IFLUHDNEM'', as he was not there to see this amazing moment with us, AND THEN I discovered that Jonboy was there ~ however he was watching 'you me at six' with his girlfriend, I suspect they were the only 2 people at the 2nd stage. During this time, Luke was also amoosing himself trying to convince Sam's missus that someone from 'you me at six' had died, after Sam had commented that he felt sorry for them.
I had suggested to meet Joho after, and as we were trying to get out of the arena, Luke had made plans to meet people in the village and when I said I would go back and meet them all later, Luke totally ''Did a Jacob'' and stormed off, leaving me, Sam and Ben ~ in my attempt to go after him and check to see if Joho was there, I got smashed in the face with a camp chair, to find neither of them at the meet point. I got back to Sam & Ben and we left to go back to the camp site, on the way back we sang 'Ben's kid', got a decent Buttscratcher & Spartans chant going and had a group sing of Spongebob ~ I think this was possibly the most sociable and fun walk back of the week, everyone was in good spirits, having watched an amazing night of music. Ben wanted to go to the shop and buy Tampax for Luke, an idea inspired by my insistence on referring to his 'Doing a Jacob' as having a rag on, but although it would have been funny, we decided against it. After such a high, I was sad to receive a phone call from Steve, saying his tent had been stolen from, and we would be leaving straight after Sabbath the next night, I was truly gutted, I may have been borderline to 'doing a mini-jacob', however I restrained myself. As expected, Luke was back in the tent looking mardy as fuck, a situation not helped by my instant bluntness. I ranted and said I'd be out of his way the next night, he said 'whatever' and we sat all shirty at each other for a moment, with Sam looking uncomfortable (Sorry Sammy). However, when Luke found out I was leaving and not storming off in a piss to camp elsewhere, everything calmed down as we all realised it would be our last night camping together. Again it was too cold to be sociable and me & Sam had taken our wellies off and didn't want to put them on again (so hardcore)! So we sat in the tent, drinking and talking (and warm), entertained by the guys next to us ~ who were singing loudly and badly til around 4am and still mad at Charlie (whoever Charlie is). We eventually fell asleep curled up together. When I woke up the next day Sam was halfway down the tent, his face (sadly for him) near my arse, I was still curled up with Luke and realised that I had farted in Sam's face, I felt bad for a moment ~ then I did it 4 more times, as I noticed that it hadn't disturbed him in the slightest (again, sorry Sammy. And I did confess to him).

Day 5 (Sunday)

My first mission Sunday was to gather my things from Sam & Luke's tent and head back to White camp to rescue what I could of my things and load the car up. So much of our camp had been decimated that I could hardy recognise what was left of it. My tent was completely down, having tried to eat Emma's tent, and getting people thrown into it etc, the gazebo had joined it in a slow and painful death. But I found my way back easily enough and bogarted a breakfast beer. I snuck into Joho's tent to rape him, but to my horror he was not there. This made me terribly sad, and I set about gathering my stuff (which stank, due to having gotten soaked). Joho returned, freshly showered, so I jumped him and made him all muddy again. There were some signs of blue sky and sun, so I dug my sunglasses (given to me by Luke last download) out and slipped them in my belt. Then Steven and I, made our way, loaded up to the car, as we reached the exit of White camp I (for the first time, somehow) got my shoe so badly stuck in the mud, that I fell ~ something plenty of people saw and no one helped with, so it was up to the pure power of my leg muscles to lift me back up. I then had to take my foot out of my welly and yank like hell to get it out of the mud. This meant my sock was muddy and I removed it, before carrying on ~ by the time we got back to the car I could feel the pain in my foot, when I took my welly off there was blood everywhere. So I stole a sock off of Steven and we loaded all of our stinky shit into the car. When I got back to camp Luke and Sam were awake and sat around watching Ben, who was cooking bacon ~ such a horrible smell. And we started to plan our days bands and things, before making our way to the arena. That was the last time I was at our camp. Sad times.

Sammy wanted to see 'We are the ocean' and I wanted to catch 'Heaven's basement, this did not go to plan, as on the way to the arena Luke decided it was time have a comfy (and expensive) poo ~ heading to Blue camp there was an insane cue for the luxury loo's, so we headed off to pootopia, the eco loo (£1.00 cheaper, btw) ~ Where Luke had his poo, accompanied by a guy with a megaphone, offering encouragement to the poopers ~ cue good memories of Jacob at Red camp toilets last year. After his poo, Luke wanted a breakfast bap, I'm not sure he ever got it...?

I managed to get to the Arena in time to catch the very end of  the 'Heaven's basement' set, which sounded like it would have been great. However I was in time for 'Reckless love' ~ where I ran into Joho. Where do I start? Olli took his shirt off, and I have to say the room temp raised some, me & Joho agreed that it should be illegal for them to play without a fainting couch! They were sooooo good. I came out after Reckless finished and joined Luke & Sam who were sitting outside ~ Joho stayed in and sent his regards to 'Half-beard' (A nickname he was really hoping would stick to Luke), I sat outside with them and enjoyed the first bit of sun we had seen in days, whilst listening to 'Edguy' (another really good set). Next came 'Black label society' and then I left everyone watching 'Lamb of god' while I went off to watch a fantastic set by 'Ugly kid joe' ~ of course they played 'Cats in the cradle' and 'I hate everything about you', however, I was  pretty much chuffed as hell when they Played 'God-damn devil' (I need to see them again).

Then it was time for more festival milkshake (dime bar and crunchie ~ bloody lovely), and re-meeting the guys (where Sammy says ''you haven't got much time left, have you ~ Cheers for that love)  for a somewhat disappointing set by 'Shinedown' ~ to much from the new album, didn't play the 1 song I wanted to hear. Although this is a relief in certain aspects. 'Refused' next, don't particularly them them, but everyone else did, and I had no-where better to be at the time. Somewhere between Shinedown & Refused I had gotten food and was eating my chicken / salad wrap (I know, not festival food, right? But my festival fav, the giant Yorkshire pudding stand was sooooo far away). Then off to 'Soundgarden', who played a great set, that I was sadly not in the right mood for ~ in hindsight I was in more of a Dropkick Murphys mood but ~ Well, its Soundgarden, you know! Then back to Rise against (so much better than when I saw them at the UEA. Then the main event of the night ~ Black sabbath baby!!! I had missed the beginning and was hoping I had not missed War pigs, to my delight they played it right after I got there, and I was screaming! To be honest ,I had low expectations, Ozzy has done alot of damage to himself, he barely stands up these days and none of them are in the great shape that AC/DC are, for a band of their age. However, oh my god! Fan-fucking-tastic! So much better than I could have hoped for, and I loved every second of it, the songs, the presence, the chanting for Tony ~ not gonna lie, I felt slightly emotional! At one point I just stood there, my hand in Luke's, watching this legend prove that he still had what it takes to rock Donnington. It was over waaay to soon, I had to pee and meet Steve & Tash and leave the only place I have ever felt like I can be myself for another year. So against the crowd we linked hands and made for the far-end (and therefore least busy) toilets. We were halfway there when the fireworks started, and we stood, the 3 of us, hand in hand ~ faces to the sky, watching them (nice way to say goodbye, don't you think?).

This really lovely moment nearly cost me my pee, as the stewards were cordoning off the portaloo's, so we ran at them, and just made it, had to climb under the cordons to get out. I pointed out that this time a year ago, we were on our way to kidnap Jamie, before sitting in my tent drinking all night, and that we (at that time) would have no idea how close we would all be, a year on. Yeah, I'm kinda sentimental, sometimes.
It was a strange walk back to the meeting point, sad. No one seemed to be chanting, or happy or any of what you expect. I said goodbye to some stewards, who looked pretty much terrified, and I thanked some random people for 'Downing my load' with me, they were not appreciative of me! Finally we made it to the meeting point and there was no sign of Steve & Tash, who were actually right in front of us! Emotional goodbyes were had and off I went to the car. It took us an hour to get out of the parking lot, Steve had to get out and push the car in front of us out of the mud, and then I said I wasn't going to sleep ~ I don't think I made it out of Donnington, I came too at a gas station, got some water and passed out for what felt like a half hour doze.  When I woke up, we were pulling up at my house and it was 4am, having been determined all night that I would not get in my bed before I showered, I went straight to bed. I woke up a few hours later, in my lovely warm bed, to make a cup of tea, pee in a flushing toilet and a enjoy my (hot) Donnington black shower ~ And oh my days did I miss the tent, the lads, the mud, the atmosphere ~ in fact, everything, already!

After

Something I have not previously noted in my blog, but I feel I must, was my only real contact with the outside world. My daily handovers from Amber, which involved Zombies, inappropriateness and necrophilia (of a sort). These were a constant source of hilarity and I thank her for them! They made me cry, happy happy tears.
In the days following I have re-adjusted to reality, I have hated it, as I always do. I have drank more, but you gotta do what you gotta do, right?
I have, however paid my deposit on next year and started my annoying countdown.... (current count 361 days to go).....
Also, I have learned, no-where is as fun without mud. I miss my Download friends possibly more than I miss most (of course there are exceptions, and you probably know who you are) of my regular friends, because we share something awesome. What-ever is happening in the world, when Corey Taylor tells you to hop on one leg you do it.  No amount of wind, rain and cold can ruin my spirits. I really don't care who I piss in front of and Ben should steal Frenchie's drink more often! I am sad as hell for the death of Buttscratcher and I disapprove of the new chant of 'yes! yes! yes!' ~ It's just plain lazy!
And 20 <3, still, always!

And one last note, as requested by Sammy, the 2nd verse to Ben's kid, I came up with the other day....

''We've made a cup of tea, now Ben's kids dead. We've made a cup of tea now Ben's kids dead. We've made a cup of tea, yeah, we've made a cup of tea, yeah we've made a cup of tea, now Ben's kids dead''

Also, Luke may rule the plane game, but I am king of the crip game! Right, now I'm off to make my Download highlights CD's for those bootiful men I spent the week with! <3

So, Yeah!
There I was, walking home from work and my mind turned to superstition - There was no reason for this, however, this is my mind, I am here to give you insight into it, not to explain it!
I really don't get it, I thought alot, I wonder who started all this crap and why people continue it.
Don't walk under a ladder - I limbo under them all the time when I'm drunk, the worst part of it is the bad back it causes!
Its lucky to have a bird shit on you, HOW ffs is that lucky? It just leaves you walking around covered in bird poop! Ask Rich, he didn't feel Lucky when that Albatross shat on him in London, nor did my scratch card win after a seagull pooped on my bag the other day! In my opinion, anything that makes you have shit on you is bad - and I really can't be alone on that!
Black cats crossing your path, people can't even decide if that's good or bad, its divided! And what about the Tabby's?
Throwing salt over your shoulder wards off the devil? - hmmmmm, nope, gonna need more than salt to stop me ;) - but really, don't worry about the devil, worry about people!

Now, all these people worry about this shit, perform little rituals, but who does the really important stuff?
I can't be the only person who checks the back seat of a car without fail before I get in? Who won't sit with my back to an open door? And the reason for this.... serial killers! Now, I know they are rare, unlikely even - but why risk it! I like to know what's behind me.
I know, when I am walking home in the dark - exactly where my keys are, which is the right key (unless, I'm drunk) just in-case I need to get in quickly, I also know where the nearest impromptu and usable weapon in my house is and how hard I can hit with it. I know which doors in my house I left open and which were shut.

Some people laugh, but I think this shit is logical - people walk around thinking about this or that being 'lucky', but they don't take notice of the little things that can save their lives. Seriously, I know this is horror movie shit, but its real - more so than a cat running in front of me affecting my fate!  People walk around like horror movie's don't exist - not considering them to be survival guides.
People are wrong , that is pretty much the summary of this! Don't worry about ladders and poop and cats and salt - worry about crazy people hiding behind you!

Why chick-flicks should be banned!

Ok, So everyone knows I'm a horror freak anyway, however I have major rage about romantic movies!!!

They should be banned, they give girls (probably not just girls to be fair) a stupid idealised image of romance, an image where people have one perfect soulmate, where people are always eventually forgiven for their fuck-ups and where the guy will go to any lengths to fight for his girl! The reason I hate this - is because its all bullshit!!!
These ideals are completely fucked up, they instigate stupidity and false hopes and beliefs. They make people hold out for something that doesn't even exist.

There are billions of people on this planet, so why would there ever be just 1 person for everyone, no what there really is, is just several combinations of people who for some reason at one time or another work together for a while. And if you fuck up, chances are, you have fucked up - no one is gonna forgive you, weather or not you run in at the last scene with some grand gesture, its not gonna be enough. And honestly - no one IS gonna bother with those grand gestures, no one is gonna make that much effort!

Love is not any of this, it hopeless! Its pain and everything the movies tell you is lies, because if you are lucky enough to find someone who compliments you so perfectly, chances are you will lose them. Sooner or later! Chasing Amy - there is a film about love that pretty much has it right, its a realistic view point, in my opinion.
People should just say screw it and watch Saw, at least you'll come out of it with some survival tips, and a more realistic view of the nature of people.
So we should ban these chick-flicks, before they can make anyone else stupid!

My beloved monster is tough...

Who am I?
I wish to hell  I knew - what I do know? Hmmm, lemme see - I am a contradiction, I know that.
I am hard and cold, I won't let you in unless you earn it, I will hold you at arms length as long as I can, I will defend myself against you til the bitter end. I will also love you un-conditionally. I can hand on my heart say, I have in someway loved every single person in my life, maybe for a short time, maybe longer - for many different reasons. Everyone I know has influenced me, affected me, taught me, hurt me, loved me, leaned on me or been someone to lean on. I am who I am for each of these experiences - whoever you are, I love you for it.
I am a hopeless romantic, but I hate romance, I live inside a dreamworld made of horror. I watch it, read it, game it - I surround myself in it, because ultimately, I can believe in that shit, more easily than I can believe in love.
I have no faith in myself, but I will fight for you with every breath I have - If you mean anything to me, I will always fight.
You will always come 2nd to the music, because the music keeps me sane, it reflects everything I am, everything I feel and everything I can be. If you actually wanna find me, I will be on the beach, but you need to know me well enough to know if I wanna be found. I never want you to talk me off the ledge, I want you to take my hand and jump off it with me.
I am an open book, I will tell you my story - It will never mean I have let you in. I will show you the art I cover myself with, but it doesn't mean I will ever show you the scars I carry inside. You can cause my pain, but you'll ever see it.
I have infinite strength, I have victoried a thousand pains, I have triumphed over myself. I have triumphed over you! Whoever you are!
I will dance like my last breath is due, but never when your watching. I will cry for you, but never when you can see. And I laugh til I can't breathe, when all the world can see.
I am who I am, nothing more, everything less. I will continue to cross the line,  to push the boundaries. I will give you bluntness and honesty when, even when it 's not in my best interest. I am everything and nothing. I am the sum of the people who have touched my life and nothing more than purely myself!
I am a contradiction and an enigma. I know myself better than I ever have, and I have no idea who I am!
And I'm still fighting!  I'm still jumping off the damn ledge everyday. And maybe someday, someone will wanna jump off it with me.

Talkin 'bout my generation

So, I was laying in bed - thinking about the 80's (of course) I had this fantastic thread of generational based ranting, and I thought to myself  ''Self! blog this shit'', of course I have forgotten most of it! However, I do somewhat have some stuff to say :-
The 80's was responsible for some terrible things, we had shell suits, the sideways ponytail, some truly god-awful music and leg-warmers. There was also white dog shit - Everywhere!
This all said, we had some great shit going on too, clearly not fashion wise! The 80's was a great time for metal, so forgive the awful music, because it can be counter balanced with some great music too. Then there was the movies; Films like Ghostbusters, The Goonies, Labyrinth and Back to the future and the film that personally, for me epitomises the 80's The Lost boys, Nothing of today has any of the feel to it, that these things did!
I'm not sure I its just because I was a kid, but for me, I think it is a time that symbolises innocence, however at the same time it was a very experimental era. People were getting more rights, gays were starting to be more open about their sexuality, more people were experimenting with more drugs.
The big fear in the 80's was the AIDS, a fear borne purely from ignorance, but kids were outside, kids did stuff, they had real friends. Me, I spent my childhood up a tree, or on my bike, building dens and climbing into, onto and over everything possible! My summers were passed on the beach and I think to be fair, I probably wasn't actually indoors that much when the weather was shit! We were pretty poor, but it was irrelevant, because I was happy with that shit!
Today, kids don't really go out, the media has made the world more aware, it has also spawned fear, so parents wrap their kids in cotton wool, they don't let them to far out of sight, they worry about abductors or peado's or whatever! A game console is a substitute sitter, on-line 'friends' are deemed less of a threat.
I think this has, in a general sense, caused people to have less creativity, less imagination - and more fat kids! (no, not the wonderfully awful drink, I was a little to fond of, at the Marquee).

Fuck it! Give me my dodgy leg-warmers, my sideways ponytail and power ballads, give me movies that had some feeling to them, and if you must, put the damn white dog shit back! I for one wouldn't change my generation for owt!

All right now!

I was just talking to a friend, about love and loss and pain and all that shit.
And I told her something, about my past experiences, i told her about this guy... no names, those who know me, and have known me, well.. they know who, those who don't, Well they don't need to. simply!
It was a hell of a long time ago and this is what I told my friend ''Loving him is the hardest thing I have ever done, getting over him damn near killed me''These points are both true, as is the second thing I told her, which was that over all the years, all the pain and the attempts to cause each other a lot of hurt, after all the things he put me through, after all the tears, all the times I wanted to die, and all the times i wanted to kill him.... This is my realisation 'That I quite simply do not hate him anymore, yet nor do I care anymore' I can finally say i hold him no ill will, I hope he is happy, i hope  his life is fulfilled, yet I never want to be a part of it. 


Sure enough, I have loved and lost and hurt and been hurt, but he was the one, y'know... the first love and all that shit, and when that person is constantly drifting inn and out of your life, its tough to have closure on it all, so the realisation that if i saw him in the street tomorrow, I would smile or nod an acknowledgement, but would want no further interaction from him. 
I'm not sure on my point here, apart from to say, we all have a lot of strength and sometimes we are unaware of just how much we have. But for all those people hurting, you should know, it gets easier... I am living proof... one day, you may even forgive them, I have, and I had a lot to forgive! 

Locked inside your heart shaped box

So... tis valentines day! 
A day when everyone gets over excited about buying junk that will end up in a bin or a cupboard, buying it so they can ''prove' their love for someone!
Well, I am genuinely glad that I am currently single, I really am! Ok, so I'm pretty far from being your conventional girl, I burp, fart, I'm a massive pervert.. I'm fairly open and very comfortable with the amount of porn I watch and I end up on more lads nights out than half the lads I know!
But this social convention that pressures people into spending money they probably don't really have, on shit no one really wants, that costs twice as much as any normal day ~ Well, it just bugs me!  
Honestly guys, do it, buy your lady flowers ~ some other day of the year, some day when your just walking past and you think ''these would really make her smile'' That's the time for that shit (or when your in the wrong, of course)
And if your gonna do the whole V day shit, then do you really have to be so un-original? You should know your partners, you should know what they like ~ find something a li'll bit more personal, something between you n them, something most other people wouldn't get.
So, that is pretty much it, my mini rant! 
Regardless of my thoughts and feelings about my current relationship status (single and quite comfortable with it... I am really sooooo sooo happy that on this particular day, I am single, I am saved the bullshit pressures society places on us! 
That is all, Save to say happy birthday to 2 awesome friends (who more than like will not see this) and I love my wifey :D 

My random crazy life with random crazy friends!

Ok, so I have basically had such a Random night, I feel the need to make notes of the events! 
I had plans with the spudman to see the new underworld movie, however being me... this was pretty much the height of my planning.  (I can't actually plan, I just have great ideas and hope others come up with the finer details)
So, we met on the train, shot the shit, caught up a bit and thus the afternoon began.. I wanted hair dye, so a quick stop at the rock collection sorted such issues, where i also decided the guy who served me was rather dollsome, and therefore got slightly annoyed that I was not wearing something which better showed off my bewbs! 
After this we had to do a trip of all the cinema's in the city, trying to decide which had shows at times better serving our transport issues... it was like shopping with a bloody women, all the cinemas and we ended up at the first one! 
Now, deciding our fate lay with the odeon, we decided we had time to grab a bite and whats more a pint! We also went to the 99p store, where they had all the munchies you could ask for, for 99p! All, apart from peanut M&Ms... this caused quite some trauma.... I settled on a cheap version (super nutsy) however Jay would have none of it... and off we went in search of the real thing! 
Finally peanut M&Ms located and Jay happy ... off we went to the wildman!  The Wildman (for those who don't know me that well) is a nice enough pub, but it is my backup plan! Since the closure of my local (The Marquee) i have started to drink there... having searched for a pub that has friendly staff and a decent jukie! I have started to feel comfortable there... to know the staff on a first name basis.. and so on, so...... imagine my upset to find all new staff, no familiar faces! For the most part though it appears unchanged. 
Pint down and off I go to order number 2... when (and it sounds arrogant, but it often happens) my tattoo's caught the attention of a guy at the bar... this time it was the stars on my ace, but eventually lead to my revealing half my arm and shoulder... after chatting to this guy and his partner/ friend, he starts to ask about he piercings and how they stay in (yeah, really) ~ now i will backtrack a second to last time, when i went in there with Luke, which ended in some very drunk men rubbing his belly, leering over him and my having to step in and ask them to leave him be, so it seems strange people / events occur in this place... often ~ after a while this guy is asking to see the inside of my bars, he then asks if i wanna feel a big lump of metal in his face, grabs my hand and puts it on his jaw line (i feel nothing) however he clearly decided this was not sufficient and before i can do a thing, my finger is in his mouth (yes, really) again, i state ~ he had hold of my hand, I had no control!!! (again, I felt nothing, however i very much wanted my hand back!, so i said i did) 
Finally we broke away, finished our pints and headed for the movie. Having purchased our tickets, (this took some time, as I felt the need to tell the girl who served us, and the man who checked our tickets, all about the man who had put my hand in his mouth and how violated I felt) located seats and pissed half a dozen times each, it was time to open the munch... my super nutsy smelt funny and were generally unpleasant, however, Jay finally had to relent and share them, as he had somehow managed to rip his bag open so forcefully that it rained peanut m&ms ~ causing me to snort some!  Barely controlling my laughter I decided to look on facebook during the adverts, as Jay had said that Nims had inboxed me... I came across her status... this is what i read... 
''Cap'n Nimmy O Negative

can not believe what my lovely son just did!!! Whilst i am wishing my nan a happy birthday, theo went to the toilet. I just went in there and he has wiped his dirty bum across the end of four brand new kitchen rolls so every piece is coated with a skid and i have got to chuck them out!! lmao!!''  

Now, being myself, easily, childishly amoosed, I did the only thing I could... I pissed myself laughing... I cried! I snorted a little more!  It was a struggle to get myself under control, however I managed it and mostly behaved during the movie! 

We managed to catch a train home, without to much disruption, save for my over-friendly and over-open discussion about masturbating over Kate Beckinsale in skin tight leather that I had with the lad in the shop, telling the train driver that his safety poster was just an advert for welsh travel and almost breaking the very noisy fold down seat! 

This is but a small insight into what a semi tame, quite sober night out with me & jay is like! This possibly explains why it is not allowed to happen to often! Or why so many people really can't handle us! But if you can, you should join us next time... it can only get worse, that I promise! :D

Also, you should probably be glad we didn't have the zombie finger puppets this time! 

Tied to machines that make me be, cut this life off from me...

So... I have been reading 'Johnny got his gun' which started a lengthy conversation last night...
You see, I have been aware of the book for years, saw the movie a long time ago. I was aware of the movie / book due to the Metallica song 'One'. It is about a man who goes to war, and loses his arms, legs, hearing, sight and speech... he is to all intents and purposes trapped inside his own mind.

So for once, here I am ranting (as usual) about something pretty serious (not so usual). You see, the conversation it sparked, was a healthy debate about what we would do in the same situation. I for one, Would not wish to live in such a situation.
And it occurs to me that it is against my human rights that this one pretty massive decision would be taken out of my hands. In Switzerland you can choose a dignified and respectable end, IF you have a valid reason... you cant just decide you don't like your life any more... But, you can choose to end things on your own terms if you have a terminal illness, you can choose to slip away peacefully, treated with respect by the people around you, no pain, and a little bit of dignity.
So why is this illegal? If (in a similar situation) a friend choose to come to Switzerland with a person who had chosen this option, would they then be arrested?
Why is it, a pregnant woman can terminate quite late into a pregnancy if she discovers the (well formed, by this point) child has a high possibility of something like down syndrome.
When our pets are ill we choose to 'do the right thing by them', if they are suffering, then a trip to the vets and you can choose to give them peace, to end their pain.
We ourselves can choose the 'do not resusitate' option in hospital. We can choose for our organs to go to others in the event of our deaths. We have so much freedom over these things!
Yet we have to suffer the indignity of a wasting and painful death if we are ill... we cannot choose to come to a more respectable end on our own terms.
And yet we live in the age where we are supposedly free to live as we please, we have choice over religion, sexuality, career, we can sign up to fight and die for our country if we are healthy enough. We can starve ourselves, over eat, we can shut ourselves off from everyone or over indulge in every aspect of life. So I really don't understand why euthanasia is such a big issue. The screening process is designed to ensure that it is the correct option for the people who choose it.
Freedom should be ours, choice should be ours!
Euthanasia should not be illegal, It should be a choice that every person should be free to make! It should be a right!

I have some glue

So.... I have been pretty negative lately. I had a bit of a rough patch, and like most, I have good and bad days...I'm focusing far to much on the bad in my life. So I have made a plan! Lots of positive to focus on!
I'm not sure why I'm putting it here.. this is my place to rant.... but maybe if I get it writ here... maybe it'll kick my ass into doing it.. not just talking about it!
See, Truth be told, I'm a pretty strong person, I'm resilient. I'm the one that gets the 2 and 3 am phone calls when my friends are in meltdown, not the one that makes the calls. Only lately, I seem to have been wandering the darkness, a little more lost than usual. Well, no more! I fully well intend to regain that crazy ass person, that i know is in there... the girl who brushes her teeth in jager and skinny dips drunk in November, the girl who wont pass up a challenge, who will always cross the boundaries. She ain't that lost, so ima get her back... and more improved, and here is my plan...

Firstly, I have been doing an Open university course... (only a starter course) in psychology... so I need to make sure I ace that, Then I need to figure what i will do next, I have no idea where I will take this, however I am determined that I will carry on my study, not just talk about it, or have good intentions, like usual!

I need to focus on my writing... I love to write, yet I never make time for it, however I was lucky enough to have been approached by someone, into working on a really exciting group project. I also have a couple of half started solo projects underway.. I need to dedicate time to these. And when I really am at my lowest, I need to be channelling that into poetry, as I can only ever really write that when I am truly miserable! I need to channel that misery into something creative!

I have been job hunting for a while now, I have to find a job that is more challenging to me, and while I have put efforts into it, I need to put more effort in... I know I am capable of so much more than I do now, So I shall review my CV, come up with an awesome covering letter and hunt more regularly! A change of scenery is vital for me to be fully refreshed, so.. no more under appreciated at groundhog day!

I need to get back into shape, I have gone from 5 days a week at the gym to lifting weights a bit daily at home... I need to dedicate a certain amount of time a day, I need to push myself ... and hard!  Somewhere inside this chubby chick there is an anorexic hiding... I want no part in either of these, I want to lose weight (show me a woman who doesn't) but only a little... mostly.. I just need to be it again. Sadly, the gym is not currently an option for me, so i need to make myself work harder at home... or start running, even if i have to wait til dark to do so! Secondly to that, because of laziness, work schedule and other factors.. my eating is shit... I don't even like what I'm eating! So i need to get my old healthy diet back!

I have been talking about going climbing!!!!  This will happen, luckily I have discussed it with a few friends, who also wish to do it... which is amazing, because it changes it from something I'd really like to do, to something I will do. So, sometimes I need the motivation of others to do the things i plan... so be it, as long as i find those motivated enough to pull me with them! or, at least, motivated enough to keep my motivation up!

Lastly, and due to financial reasons ... I need to learn to drive, I have had to pass up so many opportunities due to lack of a driving licence / car! Work opportunities, social ones, opportunities that will benefit me in so many ways! So.. I cant afford to even put the money aside (I have my priorities and right now, I'm more worried about my download / soni tickets) right now... but however long it takes, I need to do it. Sadly I am shit with money, luckily, I have someone I can give the money to, who i can completely trust, no matter how much I give... who will look after it for me, and not allow me to flit it away! So, this will be the goal that takes the longest... but i will do it! Also, I'm going to re-sign up for medical trials for the extra cash.

So... there you have it... that is how i intend to fix myself. I will potentially come back on this every now and again and write an update blog... maybe i should have done it as a new blog.. but seeing as this is me, and some ways to fix my broken mind, then maybe not?
I should also mention, right here and now... that i have truly amazing friends, who have patiently and persistently been there for me, day and night... And so, yes.. I need to drag myself out of the mental graveyard I seem to have created for myself, however, it is comforting to know that I can constantly draw strength from them.... and for those friends who are maybe reading this.. I hope you know who you are, I hope you know how grateful I am to you for every second you have been there for me, and I hope you know that I love you all  <3

Sucker love is heaven sent...

Ok, So.. before I start, I need to get something straight...  I love my friends, dearly! I would go to the gates of hell and back for most of them... I would happily serve my head up on a plate for them.. (I'm not sure whats with all the Placebo lyrics right now)
But, Love.... conventional love? ''the one person for everyone'' that soooo many people are so busy looking for...I'm starting to believe its shit.
For a start, there are billions of people in the world... so why should there be just one for everyone? Its crap.. sorry for those of you who have found your supposed 'one'... but it is! 
I personally believe that love does not, in the conventional sense, exist. I think there are hundreds of possible partners for everyone out there... I use the word 'partners' because that's all it is! 
I believe we are all capable of making a connection to a person for an amount of time... and sometimes that period of time is longer than others, but truly.. that's all it is, just a connection. Its based on some link or bond you may have... but inevitably, all that happens is that eventually the 'connection' will no longer be enough for one of the people involved. 
Which means the other person will just end up hurt and broken, wondering what went wrong, how they screwed up, how they could have fixed things.
But is it love? hell no... love is something we tell ourselves we have, tell ourselves means something, to keep us from laying in the dark at night, scared we will grow old and die alone. Love is the dependency we create on the connections we make.


We allow ourselves to be slaves to it, I know I have. I have hurt and in turn been hurt... far to many times. I have allowed myself to believe I am in love, and I have allowed it to ruin who I am, I have placed my faith in love and I have broken peoples faith also. 
So why does everyone think that love is such a great thing? All I see it do, is send people crazy, make people prioritise those who would not do the same for them. It makes people forget their inner strength and attempt only to draw strength from those they have placed their faith in. How can this be right? 


People say love is amazing, I think hell, its pain and suffering, nothing more. 
So, Personally...  I am done with it....  I am not saying I will never make another connection.  I am saying I will not, ever, allow my connections to last long enough to sucker me into ''developing feelings'' 
I don't believe in love, I believe in happiness... and I believe that every connection I make, should be brief.. however fun, happy...
A great man once said ''Its better to burn out, that to fade away'' he was, sadly talking about life... I think its a great philosophy to apply to 'love!