I have some glue

So.... I have been pretty negative lately. I had a bit of a rough patch, and like most, I have good and bad days...I'm focusing far to much on the bad in my life. So I have made a plan! Lots of positive to focus on!
I'm not sure why I'm putting it here.. this is my place to rant.... but maybe if I get it writ here... maybe it'll kick my ass into doing it.. not just talking about it!
See, Truth be told, I'm a pretty strong person, I'm resilient. I'm the one that gets the 2 and 3 am phone calls when my friends are in meltdown, not the one that makes the calls. Only lately, I seem to have been wandering the darkness, a little more lost than usual. Well, no more! I fully well intend to regain that crazy ass person, that i know is in there... the girl who brushes her teeth in jager and skinny dips drunk in November, the girl who wont pass up a challenge, who will always cross the boundaries. She ain't that lost, so ima get her back... and more improved, and here is my plan...

Firstly, I have been doing an Open university course... (only a starter course) in psychology... so I need to make sure I ace that, Then I need to figure what i will do next, I have no idea where I will take this, however I am determined that I will carry on my study, not just talk about it, or have good intentions, like usual!

I need to focus on my writing... I love to write, yet I never make time for it, however I was lucky enough to have been approached by someone, into working on a really exciting group project. I also have a couple of half started solo projects underway.. I need to dedicate time to these. And when I really am at my lowest, I need to be channelling that into poetry, as I can only ever really write that when I am truly miserable! I need to channel that misery into something creative!

I have been job hunting for a while now, I have to find a job that is more challenging to me, and while I have put efforts into it, I need to put more effort in... I know I am capable of so much more than I do now, So I shall review my CV, come up with an awesome covering letter and hunt more regularly! A change of scenery is vital for me to be fully refreshed, so.. no more under appreciated at groundhog day!

I need to get back into shape, I have gone from 5 days a week at the gym to lifting weights a bit daily at home... I need to dedicate a certain amount of time a day, I need to push myself ... and hard!  Somewhere inside this chubby chick there is an anorexic hiding... I want no part in either of these, I want to lose weight (show me a woman who doesn't) but only a little... mostly.. I just need to be it again. Sadly, the gym is not currently an option for me, so i need to make myself work harder at home... or start running, even if i have to wait til dark to do so! Secondly to that, because of laziness, work schedule and other factors.. my eating is shit... I don't even like what I'm eating! So i need to get my old healthy diet back!

I have been talking about going climbing!!!!  This will happen, luckily I have discussed it with a few friends, who also wish to do it... which is amazing, because it changes it from something I'd really like to do, to something I will do. So, sometimes I need the motivation of others to do the things i plan... so be it, as long as i find those motivated enough to pull me with them! or, at least, motivated enough to keep my motivation up!

Lastly, and due to financial reasons ... I need to learn to drive, I have had to pass up so many opportunities due to lack of a driving licence / car! Work opportunities, social ones, opportunities that will benefit me in so many ways! So.. I cant afford to even put the money aside (I have my priorities and right now, I'm more worried about my download / soni tickets) right now... but however long it takes, I need to do it. Sadly I am shit with money, luckily, I have someone I can give the money to, who i can completely trust, no matter how much I give... who will look after it for me, and not allow me to flit it away! So, this will be the goal that takes the longest... but i will do it! Also, I'm going to re-sign up for medical trials for the extra cash.

So... there you have it... that is how i intend to fix myself. I will potentially come back on this every now and again and write an update blog... maybe i should have done it as a new blog.. but seeing as this is me, and some ways to fix my broken mind, then maybe not?
I should also mention, right here and now... that i have truly amazing friends, who have patiently and persistently been there for me, day and night... And so, yes.. I need to drag myself out of the mental graveyard I seem to have created for myself, however, it is comforting to know that I can constantly draw strength from them.... and for those friends who are maybe reading this.. I hope you know who you are, I hope you know how grateful I am to you for every second you have been there for me, and I hope you know that I love you all  <3

Sucker love is heaven sent...

Ok, So.. before I start, I need to get something straight...  I love my friends, dearly! I would go to the gates of hell and back for most of them... I would happily serve my head up on a plate for them.. (I'm not sure whats with all the Placebo lyrics right now)
But, Love.... conventional love? ''the one person for everyone'' that soooo many people are so busy looking for...I'm starting to believe its shit.
For a start, there are billions of people in the world... so why should there be just one for everyone? Its crap.. sorry for those of you who have found your supposed 'one'... but it is! 
I personally believe that love does not, in the conventional sense, exist. I think there are hundreds of possible partners for everyone out there... I use the word 'partners' because that's all it is! 
I believe we are all capable of making a connection to a person for an amount of time... and sometimes that period of time is longer than others, but truly.. that's all it is, just a connection. Its based on some link or bond you may have... but inevitably, all that happens is that eventually the 'connection' will no longer be enough for one of the people involved. 
Which means the other person will just end up hurt and broken, wondering what went wrong, how they screwed up, how they could have fixed things.
But is it love? hell no... love is something we tell ourselves we have, tell ourselves means something, to keep us from laying in the dark at night, scared we will grow old and die alone. Love is the dependency we create on the connections we make.


We allow ourselves to be slaves to it, I know I have. I have hurt and in turn been hurt... far to many times. I have allowed myself to believe I am in love, and I have allowed it to ruin who I am, I have placed my faith in love and I have broken peoples faith also. 
So why does everyone think that love is such a great thing? All I see it do, is send people crazy, make people prioritise those who would not do the same for them. It makes people forget their inner strength and attempt only to draw strength from those they have placed their faith in. How can this be right? 


People say love is amazing, I think hell, its pain and suffering, nothing more. 
So, Personally...  I am done with it....  I am not saying I will never make another connection.  I am saying I will not, ever, allow my connections to last long enough to sucker me into ''developing feelings'' 
I don't believe in love, I believe in happiness... and I believe that every connection I make, should be brief.. however fun, happy...
A great man once said ''Its better to burn out, that to fade away'' he was, sadly talking about life... I think its a great philosophy to apply to 'love!