F E A R

I always seem to have a slightly crazy year ~ when I look back, things have never been nice and calm, is it just me? Do I possibly just draw the crazy in? Who knows, but good or bad, it's my life ~ it's moulded who I am and how I think, so I'm in for the long haul, I guess.
It's been a year with several downs, but the up's have made up for it very much. I loved, I lost, I broke a little, I healed, and as such ~ life continued.
At the start of the year, I was somewhat in love with someone who made me feel amazing and shit, depending very much on his perception of my life. When things were good, they were great - when he wasn't happy, well - you knew about it, but that in all honesty just bought my stubborn streak to the forefront. so swings and roundabouts, as they say. (They, by the way - come up with some silly sayings!!!). As things do, this all fell apart, not quite as spectacularly as some things have in my past, but indeed with a degree of bad vibes, pain and lessons to be learned.
My lesson in it all, was that it is true, that love sometimes just isn't enough, and if you have to value your worth, then you shouldn't be there. You should never compromise your own value, and the person who makes you do so, clearly does not care  as much as the want you to think they do. I may not be worth a great deal to many but I am better than that. He told me shortly after ''Nothings lost forever'' and for a while (when questioning if I had done the right thing, or if I had fucked up the best thing I ever had) that little sentence gave me hope. But I realise this, it was never lost in the first place. It just wasn't meant to be, it rocked, but it's time had passed.

One of the best things to come of this, however ~ was the realisation that the people who are in my life, certain friends, are better than any glue - they are pure solidarity. Endlessly there, endlessly patient, endlessly loving. My bonds with certain people, have been strengthened tenfold. One in particular, whom I came so close to losing, has been a total rock. At times, an angry rock, who frustrated with me ~ has quite possibly wanted to scream and a shout, and shake me a little. Who has become more like family to me than I can explain, and alongside him, his family are like my own ~ wherever I roam, whatever I do ~ I always have a haven with them, I am always loved and sheltered by them.
I always say for everything a reason. If having a hard few months means I have mended the rifts that had started there, then I have suffered the pain gladly. If your reading, you know who you are - quite simply I love you, both. And 4.03 will always mean something.

As well as everything else around the time of all this change and heartache ~ came the time to move. I have done things somewhat backwards. At 19 I moved in with a partner and did the serious relationship thing, now at 33 I get to live with my friends. This has been a decision I was cautious about, however have not regretted for a second since I moved in, and with the addition of 2 new people ~ I am living in the best dysfunctional family ever! Me, 3 guy's, 5 chickens, 2 kittens, a duck, a hamster and 2 ferrets on the way.... And whatever other randoms and strays we happen to take in. An awesome house with a garden big enough to try and be at least semi-self sufficient. This is in all honesty the happiest I have been, as far as my living arrangement's go, and as much as I enjoyed living alone ~ it's always nice to have a houseful, or someone to talk to after a shitty day, or even better ~ someone to enjoy a cold beer with after a good day.

I have met someone, with whom I am on a similar wavelength to ~ someone who seems excited by my dreams and plan's of travel, who likewise has no wishes to be tethered to one place. A nomad who I will happily wander the earth with, (in a bell tent) someone who has opened my eyes to things I never thought of and who has so much to show me.
Vietnam is around the corner (Ok its a sizeable corner - but its there!), alongside so many other adventures to be had.
And everything that has happened this year has lead me right here. I am exactly where I am supposed to be, exactly when I should be there.
For everything a reason :)

your the one I want to see me, for all the stupid shit I've done..

I have always been a stubborn cow - It's one of my downfalls. I won't let people in, and I really won't let people help me. I have an infuriating need to be completely independent, it has driven people batshit at me before, it has affected relationships, quite horribly. I have been described as ''So independent, it's the complete opposite of needy'' - I took this as a compliment, however the former partner who said it, was not being complimentary, in fact, he felt I was so damn independent, he had no role in our relationship. I am literally incapable of admitting I need or asking for help.

To this point I am, at times, massively self destructive. Part of being so stubborn, so independent and not being able to ask for help, is that I am also massively unable to let people get close. When my feelings are potentially about to get hurt, I shut down and I push away. I have destroyed good connections with people over this! And I guess I have no idea why I am blogging this, but maybe I just need to get it out there. I can't say it where I should be saying it, so here it is for the world (ok, like the 3 of you who actually read this) to see, because the one person who needs to see it, well - that's a whole different kettle of fish!

(But, chick - I guess if you ever stumble your way across this, it is something of an explanation, or apology. and I guess you'll still be mad at me, which you have every right to be.... maybe it'll explain some things though) 

I am defencive, I don't need looking after and I don't need help (even when I do) ~ And to find a  person who actually gets this, and accepts it, is nothing short of a miracle. It will seriously take someone nothing short of being amazing to win me over. And stupidly, I found that amazing miracle - and I got so damn scared of being hurt, I shut down, and I pushed away.
Which doesn't help when you are both the same - both guarded, both stubborn fuckers. The reason's I felt the need to suddenly push, they are not relevant here - I think any normal girl would have shouted and been pissed or cried and everything, that's not me - but my lack of ability to have an outburst in any way, ultimately lead to my shut down. I never had my walls up, where you were concerned, or if I did - I let them down quickly, but I re-built them equally quickly.
And then I felt the connection slip, I guessed it was my instincts proven.... and I did what was best for me - mentally and emotionally, I acted in my best interests, I'll never back down on that - I needed to be worth more to someone than what I felt I was, however I never once doubted that I was loved - So for those who may stumble across this and assume certain things, there was a lot of fault on both sides.
Fault no longer mattes. What matters is that at the time, I made the right choice ~ Now I don't know what the right choice is. I don't know if there is even a choice...

I know that if I can in future I need to learn to be angry at someone if I need to, if it'll save me this gut-wrenching loss.
I know I need to learn to let people help me, although I highly doubt that is going to happen anytime soon.

I also know I'm sorry, I miss you ~ And I fucking hate you still, with every inch of my heart. You'll probably never see this, and I will probably not figure my head out enough to know what the right thing is to do, before it's to late. But I had to say it somewhere - and maybe for anyone else reading this - don't follow my mistakes, don't shut people out because you fear getting hurt. As Bob Marley once said ''The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you, it's just a case of figuring out who is worth it''
And if you find someone that is worth the pain, then, let them see you, for all the stupid shit you've done - and love them, for all the stupid shit they have done! don't close doors, when you don't know if they can be opened!

Inspirational regrets...

As everyone knows, I am not big on regrets, I fully believe and have said a thousand times, everyone and everything is in your life for a reason.
Everything bad that has happened to me, has shaped me - I have learnt and grown from it, and will continue to do so, from every hurt, every mistake and every loss. As I will from the positives, I gain something from everyone in my life.

I think, that I am lucky to have this perspective, I speak quite regularly to some people - who can't seem to see the silver lining, who don't realise that as bad as they may feel, there are people who have it worse. People who take every little thing as a setback and a personal affront, and I can't help but feel bad for them .... not because they have it tough, but because they can't seem to see that there is a way through. That if people leave their lives, they leave for a reason, or whatever... I pity the people who regret and lament everything.

So, it is a great oddity that today, I find myself with regret, missing someone who left my life - and missing them horribly too, I might add. They have been on my mind a bit lately, for whatever reason. And for someone I never actually met face to face, he had a great impact on my life, he was a truly amazing friend, and someone I just lost contact with. He always made me laugh, we caused sufficient trouble together and he always had a logical answer to my problems - and me, I was the crazy bitch who did whatever, whenever with little thought to consequences... something he always wished he could do, but found himself choosing the responsible route, so he lived his spontaneous nature vicariously though me.

As always, there is learning here. NEVER ask ''what if'' or ''should I''. Life is too short - don't ask, just do! Never allow the sensibilities of others to hold you back. Don't be scared to live, just because they are. Take risks, won't it piss you off if you take the safe option - and then get hit by a bus anyway? Everything is 50/50, but you could do something amazing - IF you take the risk.
There you have it, my life's only regret - I should have got on the fucking plane!!!!

Have no fear...

I am a fortunate person, in as much as I can say I have very good friends, friends who care about me (for some crazy reason,) quite a lot.
Which is lovely and I'm not complaining. But it is, at times fare to say, they care too much! Well meant intentions rule their perspectives.
My friends worry about my choices, my options and the consequences. But I really need them to understand that those things are indeed mine.
I own my mistake's, they are mine to make - and they are mine to learn from. When I defend things, maybe it's because I see more sides to it than people seem to realise that there are, and not because I am fighting blindly.
My friends want to protect my heart - but what is the point in protecting something that is supposed to be used. You can't truly open yourself to love anything if you are to scared to risk exposure and pain - and I want it, I am exposed, my heart has always been worn on my sleeve - this means it is scarred, and worse for wear, at times maybe a bit weary... but isn't it worth it? for the lessons learnt? I know it will be hurt again, and I know it will heal again. I will learn from this.
You may see me making what you consider to be 'the same mistake', but how can it be... when such different factors are involved. I am a different person, the people around me are different, as is every aspect of my life.... everything and everyone is constantly evolving.

I love these people who want to protect me, but I can protect myself. I love them because they want to, but more so, because I know that when I have not protected myself well enough, they will help me heal - as they always have. And as I would like to think I have done for them.
But, my friends - I mostly need you to understand that I have probably already considered your perspectives, your probable thoughts on my situation and so on, and while I always respect you, and what you say, you need to do the same for me. Understand I enter situations with eyes wide, cautious, but adventurous. Hopeful, but weary. I almost always know what I'm going into, I have an idea of how it'll play out alot... but sometimes I'm wrong. Sometimes people can surprise you.. if you let them. But either way, they are my choices to make, and good or bad, learn from.

Hunter S Thompson summed it up best with his quote (Which, I believe applied to the heart and soul - as much as they body) - A quote I will have inked on me, so I never forget.....

“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!”