I have always been a stubborn cow - It's one of my downfalls. I won't let people in, and I really won't let people help me. I have an infuriating need to be completely independent, it has driven people batshit at me before, it has affected relationships, quite horribly. I have been described as ''So independent, it's the complete opposite of needy'' - I took this as a compliment, however the former partner who said it, was not being complimentary, in fact, he felt I was so damn independent, he had no role in our relationship. I am literally incapable of admitting I need or asking for help.
To this point I am, at times, massively self destructive. Part of being so stubborn, so independent and not being able to ask for help, is that I am also massively unable to let people get close. When my feelings are potentially about to get hurt, I shut down and I push away. I have destroyed good connections with people over this! And I guess I have no idea why I am blogging this, but maybe I just need to get it out there. I can't say it where I should be saying it, so here it is for the world (ok, like the 3 of you who actually read this) to see, because the one person who needs to see it, well - that's a whole different kettle of fish!
(But, chick - I guess if you ever stumble your way across this, it is something of an explanation, or apology. and I guess you'll still be mad at me, which you have every right to be.... maybe it'll explain some things though)
I am defencive, I don't need looking after and I don't need help (even when I do) ~ And to find a person who actually gets this, and accepts it, is nothing short of a miracle. It will seriously take someone nothing short of being amazing to win me over. And stupidly, I found that amazing miracle - and I got so damn scared of being hurt, I shut down, and I pushed away.
Which doesn't help when you are both the same - both guarded, both stubborn fuckers. The reason's I felt the need to suddenly push, they are not relevant here - I think any normal girl would have shouted and been pissed or cried and everything, that's not me - but my lack of ability to have an outburst in any way, ultimately lead to my shut down. I never had my walls up, where you were concerned, or if I did - I let them down quickly, but I re-built them equally quickly.
And then I felt the connection slip, I guessed it was my instincts proven.... and I did what was best for me - mentally and emotionally, I acted in my best interests, I'll never back down on that - I needed to be worth more to someone than what I felt I was, however I never once doubted that I was loved - So for those who may stumble across this and assume certain things, there was a lot of fault on both sides.
Fault no longer mattes. What matters is that at the time, I made the right choice ~ Now I don't know what the right choice is. I don't know if there is even a choice...
I know that if I can in future I need to learn to be angry at someone if I need to, if it'll save me this gut-wrenching loss.
I know I need to learn to let people help me, although I highly doubt that is going to happen anytime soon.
I also know I'm sorry, I miss you ~ And I fucking hate you still, with every inch of my heart. You'll probably never see this, and I will probably not figure my head out enough to know what the right thing is to do, before it's to late. But I had to say it somewhere - and maybe for anyone else reading this - don't follow my mistakes, don't shut people out because you fear getting hurt. As Bob Marley once said ''The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you, it's just a case of figuring out who is worth it''
And if you find someone that is worth the pain, then, let them see you, for all the stupid shit you've done - and love them, for all the stupid shit they have done! don't close doors, when you don't know if they can be opened!
