If you need help......

What happens when you give up?  When you literally just quit on everything?  When the only thing you really really start to look for is a way out?

That’s when you need to seriously look at what’s happening. That’s when it’s time to call for help. Doesn’t matter where you call on it from, or how you do it, but please do it.

You see, I’m such a laid back, happy, chilled person – but a few weeks ago, I was ready to quit and I didn’t even realize. I was looking for a way out and I can tell you now, I didn’t coherently think to myself ‘’I want to end this now’’ ... my only thought was that I wanted the pain to stop. I wasn’t looking beyond that, I wasn’t thinking of the implications of my thoughts or actions – just that I couldn’t stand to hurt anymore.  I didn’t think about the aftermath, I didn’t think about who’d have to deal with the consequences or how the people I’d abandon would feel. I literally COULD NOT move past ‘’I can’t do this anymore’’

Luckily, my friends are pretty amazing people. They know me, they know when to push me to do stuff. They know when not to leave me alone. I think it’s safe to say they saved my life last week. They know they put me back on track, helped me find me again, but I don’t think they realize that they saved me.

The details don’t matter, the actions, thoughts and consequences do..... I say this, because some people live with this, it builds and finally they can’t take it any longer, but it can happen quickly too – 1 or 2 events that cause feelings to spiral out of control. It can happen over a few days, and some people are not as blessed as I am when it comes to people know care, or can recognize signs that help is needed. I don’t think my friends realized how bad it was, but they knew enough to pull me out of my self imposed darkness. It took a few weeks to push me to the edge of the abyss, and 7 days to pull me back from it. I came back because I got to see this amazing support network, I got to see how loved I am (I knew this, but I needed a reminder, I guess). It’s the blatent reminder of what there is to live for, and that is fucking beautiful.

Some are not this fortunate, and that is who I am worried about here, those who don’t feel they can reach out. Those who’s false smiles can fool the people around them.  Those who might not have anyone.  So firstly, I beg you to reach out. To anyone you can, friend, foe, charity helpline... anyone. No one has to be alone, no one has to suffer in silence. I may not know you well, or at all – but if I can help I will. I will always listen.  And everyone - please, please watch out for each other.... look for the little signs that a person may not be okay. A seemingly small thing can mean so much to someone.

Everybody deserves a chance. Everybody deserves to have someone to listen.

And to those who were there when I needed you so much, when I couldn't even ask..... Thank you, thank you for seeing that I was lost, for helping me find myself. Thank you for pulling me of the edge. I love you all, every damn one of you. I could never put how much into words. 

SupportLine Telephone Helpline: 01708 765200

Calm: 0800 585858

HopeLine UK – 0800 068 4141

Lifeline (N.Ireland) 0808 808 8000 

Samaritans helpline: 116 123

open fire..... (Ana wrecks your life)

It has been about 16 years since I started to make a recovery.
If you have a secret to hiding your food or your habits ~ I probably know it, and maybe a few more besides. I have told every lie about my eating habits that I can think of and I have fooled myself into the genuine belief that the people around me were buying my shit.
I have been constantly defencive, always looking for a quick escape from questioning and concerned looks and enquiries. And I am fairly well practised at manipulating conversations from concerned friends, I have quite the ability to turn their concerns in on themselves, making them feel like they are in the wrong or making them look or feel bad.
If you read so far and you think I am a bad person, leave your judgements here, you know nothing and I have never needed anyone's approval. If it all feels familiar and you think I am in anyway going to help you continue down your path, forget it, stop reading! I'm not here to impart to you my complete former lack of wisdom I'm not going to promote this disease! BUT, if it does sound familiar, and it's any comfort at all to see the perspective of someone who has recovered, then just maybe I can offer something - some hope or comfort...... I hope. Maybe I would just like something positive to come out of my time living with this demon.
Recovery is hard, there are slips, bad days - I'm not going to sugar coat it, you won't read this and be eating a burger next week (And I'm sorry, because I know that even the thought of that makes you feel disgusted), but recovery is very much an obtainable goal.
Believe me I still have my 'quirks' for want of a better word. I can't eat in front of most people, I can't eat if I think someone is watching me, and in a busy environment, I generally make other people eat, so that I don't feel like I will be watched. I weigh myself daily and I measure my stomach weekly, and occasionally I have a nice little mini freak out if I have gained to much weight, the difference now is what I do after I have calmed down. Also, I am at a consistently healthy weight now, and have been for some time, described ~quite possibly~ as ''curvatious''. My eye's are bright, un-sunken, my skin has a 'rosy glow' to it and I have my boobs back.

How did I start my recovery? Well, to be honest - Fuck knows! It was never like ''Oh, I'm just gonna start eating today'' - It's not that simple. I was under 6 stone, very ill, I looked appalling... (although in some fucked up was, I was so proud that my collarbone was so visible, that my arms looked so skinny) I collapsed a few times or more and I was generally, a wreck. As I have said, I lied and lied about my eating, to anyone and everyone who asked, no one was in a position to help me, no one could help me. My friends couldn't have approached me, and I doubt they would have known how, we were 16/17 - kids, really. Most of you, who have had experience with this sort of illness - know that families in this circumstance are either incredibly over-bearing or they don't wish to see what is right in front of them, especially when they might consider it their own failing or downfall.They can be as skilled at not noticing as you can at hiding what you are. And when people do notice, they are kind hearted, but ignorant... so you get told you have to eat, watched, and even force fed. We've all been there, right?!
So, my point there - I had no help, no professionals involved in my recovery, not even anyone with experience to talk to or to guide me and worse of all, I didn't understand why I was how I was. Because deep down, I knew what I was doing was wrong - We all do, or we wouldn't try to hide it so much. It's hard to fix something, when you don't understand exactly where or how it is broke. What did eventually happen, is that I scared myself, pretty badly. I became so ill, so wasted - that  could barely support my own measly weight, my eyes were lack-lustre, my skin sallow - constantly clammy, but always cold. I felt light-headed and dizzy all of the time, which is horrible - but when you start to back out, or collapse and you can't even remember... well, it' pretty serious - and that's when I started to get scared. For someone like me, losing that element of power over myself, and being that vulnerable, there is nothing worse. And I had started to realise that if I didn't get better, then I would die... that's when I knew I had to make a change. I have always been reckless, I have NEVER had a death wish, and my will to live, had to fight and overcome the illness I had let take me over.

it was hard though, I have never been massively close to my family, and in those years, I had friends - but I don't suppose I was that close to man people. (The true bonds and support system I now have,  came much later in life. ) I didn't now how to ask for help and I didn't know who to ask... so I assumed I was alone. I didn't even have the so readily available on-line help that I would now, it was the mid/ late 90's. All I knew was that I had to learn to feed myself again, but more than that, learn to want to eat, to re-teach myself that it was okay to eat. That may sound stupid, IF you have never experienced that mindset. I remember clearly how disgusted I felt with myself when I did eat, how repulsed I was by the thought of eating (not even the thought of food, just of eating). I had to rebuild my physical tolerance of food, but I also had to mentally overcome my fear of eating.
The first meal I had, was  something like a quart pint of vegetable soup - half mixed with more water too... I started at it for about half an hour, before finally getting the nerve to start, and I was so scared, that I just downed it ... and vomited almost straight away... I'm not sure now how much of that vomiting was a mental reaction to the whole experience. I freak about vomiting when it's involuntary - and that's what happened then, I freaked so bad I managed to talk myself out of trying to eat again for about a day and a half... recovery isn't pretty, but the main point of this is that - freak though I did, vomit though I did, I still knew I had to try again, and I did. Having a clear goal and persistence is key. And if you want to get well, you need to have and to utilise these things. And trust me when I tell you this, I know how persistent you are in the way you hide the things you do, the way you lie to the people around you.... so use that, be persistent enough to face that first meal...and then the next one.
It took me week's of watered down soup, lots of time in the bathroom afterwards too, although with each passing week, I was vomiting less and less. The sense of shame I felt at eating was still there, but I learnt to push through it - to slowly convince myself that I shouldn't feel ashamed of eating, or repulsed by the thought of food. At some point my quart pint became almost a half, although still watered, and at a later point still, I was managing it twice a day, some days. I still weighed myself quite obsessively, that is something I learnt to control (somewhat), much later - but as I gained weight, I fought with myself almost daily to tell myself that it was actually okay. That I needed too, and that it was a healthy thing. It was an incredibly slow weight gain, the first stone probably took over 2 months... and there were time's I'd freak and make myself ill again, but as a general rule, I did pretty well. Seeing myself fill out again was hard, but seeing my skin look better, my eyes brighter - no irrational in the world could argue that was a bad thing. The headaches I was suffering became less, the dizziness I was experiencing lessened and I stopped having 'blackouts'. Of course I didn't eat soup for the whole of my recovery - at some point I upgraded to more solid food stuffs. I read package information about EVERYTHING, I checked the fat content / calorie content etc: of it all, but I ate more substantial food. It took a lot more than a year before I ate cheese (if you know me, you know I LOVE cheese) or chocolate and I still felt guilty about it. I had a small bag of malteesers and they lasted about 4 days. But the fact is that I ate the whole bag, I enjoyed them and I didn't make myself sick after... or do any of the other dumb-ass things I used to do.


Here it is, 16 years later - I weigh 10stone. I weigh myself, daily and I panic if I gain more than half a stone, but that's okay, because 10 is perfectly acceptable. And what's more - I can choose to diet or 'cut down' or whatever and I know when to stop. I also have the ability to rationalize why I may have gained the extra weight.
I'm very particular about my food, but that's because I like to know what I am eating - not because I am obsessed with losing weight. I eat chocolate, but in moderation. I exercise - but not 'til I hurt myself. I have caused myself a small amount of physical damage exercising to excess in the past, I now take greater care not to exceed my limits.
My periods took a couple of years to become more regular. My skin is healthy, my vital organs and immune system are strong, although I have no idea how, to be honest...

The point is, if you met me now, you would have no idea. The point is I recovered.... I beat the disease.
The most important point is, if you want to - whoever you are... you can beat it, too. You can, if you want to, you can have more help than I ever did. And I hope that some of this helps you - I hope this gives you the courage to try, to persist, to fight to live.
Or maybe to understand a little how to help or support someone going through it, if you are the outside viewer.

Whatever - I just hope this helps someone.
It's one of the hardest things I have ever had to write, but I wanted to get it out. And I wanted it to do some good.

F E A R

I always seem to have a slightly crazy year ~ when I look back, things have never been nice and calm, is it just me? Do I possibly just draw the crazy in? Who knows, but good or bad, it's my life ~ it's moulded who I am and how I think, so I'm in for the long haul, I guess.
It's been a year with several downs, but the up's have made up for it very much. I loved, I lost, I broke a little, I healed, and as such ~ life continued.
At the start of the year, I was somewhat in love with someone who made me feel amazing and shit, depending very much on his perception of my life. When things were good, they were great - when he wasn't happy, well - you knew about it, but that in all honesty just bought my stubborn streak to the forefront. so swings and roundabouts, as they say. (They, by the way - come up with some silly sayings!!!). As things do, this all fell apart, not quite as spectacularly as some things have in my past, but indeed with a degree of bad vibes, pain and lessons to be learned.
My lesson in it all, was that it is true, that love sometimes just isn't enough, and if you have to value your worth, then you shouldn't be there. You should never compromise your own value, and the person who makes you do so, clearly does not care  as much as the want you to think they do. I may not be worth a great deal to many but I am better than that. He told me shortly after ''Nothings lost forever'' and for a while (when questioning if I had done the right thing, or if I had fucked up the best thing I ever had) that little sentence gave me hope. But I realise this, it was never lost in the first place. It just wasn't meant to be, it rocked, but it's time had passed.

One of the best things to come of this, however ~ was the realisation that the people who are in my life, certain friends, are better than any glue - they are pure solidarity. Endlessly there, endlessly patient, endlessly loving. My bonds with certain people, have been strengthened tenfold. One in particular, whom I came so close to losing, has been a total rock. At times, an angry rock, who frustrated with me ~ has quite possibly wanted to scream and a shout, and shake me a little. Who has become more like family to me than I can explain, and alongside him, his family are like my own ~ wherever I roam, whatever I do ~ I always have a haven with them, I am always loved and sheltered by them.
I always say for everything a reason. If having a hard few months means I have mended the rifts that had started there, then I have suffered the pain gladly. If your reading, you know who you are - quite simply I love you, both. And 4.03 will always mean something.

As well as everything else around the time of all this change and heartache ~ came the time to move. I have done things somewhat backwards. At 19 I moved in with a partner and did the serious relationship thing, now at 33 I get to live with my friends. This has been a decision I was cautious about, however have not regretted for a second since I moved in, and with the addition of 2 new people ~ I am living in the best dysfunctional family ever! Me, 3 guy's, 5 chickens, 2 kittens, a duck, a hamster and 2 ferrets on the way.... And whatever other randoms and strays we happen to take in. An awesome house with a garden big enough to try and be at least semi-self sufficient. This is in all honesty the happiest I have been, as far as my living arrangement's go, and as much as I enjoyed living alone ~ it's always nice to have a houseful, or someone to talk to after a shitty day, or even better ~ someone to enjoy a cold beer with after a good day.

I have met someone, with whom I am on a similar wavelength to ~ someone who seems excited by my dreams and plan's of travel, who likewise has no wishes to be tethered to one place. A nomad who I will happily wander the earth with, (in a bell tent) someone who has opened my eyes to things I never thought of and who has so much to show me.
Vietnam is around the corner (Ok its a sizeable corner - but its there!), alongside so many other adventures to be had.
And everything that has happened this year has lead me right here. I am exactly where I am supposed to be, exactly when I should be there.
For everything a reason :)

your the one I want to see me, for all the stupid shit I've done..

I have always been a stubborn cow - It's one of my downfalls. I won't let people in, and I really won't let people help me. I have an infuriating need to be completely independent, it has driven people batshit at me before, it has affected relationships, quite horribly. I have been described as ''So independent, it's the complete opposite of needy'' - I took this as a compliment, however the former partner who said it, was not being complimentary, in fact, he felt I was so damn independent, he had no role in our relationship. I am literally incapable of admitting I need or asking for help.

To this point I am, at times, massively self destructive. Part of being so stubborn, so independent and not being able to ask for help, is that I am also massively unable to let people get close. When my feelings are potentially about to get hurt, I shut down and I push away. I have destroyed good connections with people over this! And I guess I have no idea why I am blogging this, but maybe I just need to get it out there. I can't say it where I should be saying it, so here it is for the world (ok, like the 3 of you who actually read this) to see, because the one person who needs to see it, well - that's a whole different kettle of fish!

(But, chick - I guess if you ever stumble your way across this, it is something of an explanation, or apology. and I guess you'll still be mad at me, which you have every right to be.... maybe it'll explain some things though) 

I am defencive, I don't need looking after and I don't need help (even when I do) ~ And to find a  person who actually gets this, and accepts it, is nothing short of a miracle. It will seriously take someone nothing short of being amazing to win me over. And stupidly, I found that amazing miracle - and I got so damn scared of being hurt, I shut down, and I pushed away.
Which doesn't help when you are both the same - both guarded, both stubborn fuckers. The reason's I felt the need to suddenly push, they are not relevant here - I think any normal girl would have shouted and been pissed or cried and everything, that's not me - but my lack of ability to have an outburst in any way, ultimately lead to my shut down. I never had my walls up, where you were concerned, or if I did - I let them down quickly, but I re-built them equally quickly.
And then I felt the connection slip, I guessed it was my instincts proven.... and I did what was best for me - mentally and emotionally, I acted in my best interests, I'll never back down on that - I needed to be worth more to someone than what I felt I was, however I never once doubted that I was loved - So for those who may stumble across this and assume certain things, there was a lot of fault on both sides.
Fault no longer mattes. What matters is that at the time, I made the right choice ~ Now I don't know what the right choice is. I don't know if there is even a choice...

I know that if I can in future I need to learn to be angry at someone if I need to, if it'll save me this gut-wrenching loss.
I know I need to learn to let people help me, although I highly doubt that is going to happen anytime soon.

I also know I'm sorry, I miss you ~ And I fucking hate you still, with every inch of my heart. You'll probably never see this, and I will probably not figure my head out enough to know what the right thing is to do, before it's to late. But I had to say it somewhere - and maybe for anyone else reading this - don't follow my mistakes, don't shut people out because you fear getting hurt. As Bob Marley once said ''The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you, it's just a case of figuring out who is worth it''
And if you find someone that is worth the pain, then, let them see you, for all the stupid shit you've done - and love them, for all the stupid shit they have done! don't close doors, when you don't know if they can be opened!

Inspirational regrets...

As everyone knows, I am not big on regrets, I fully believe and have said a thousand times, everyone and everything is in your life for a reason.
Everything bad that has happened to me, has shaped me - I have learnt and grown from it, and will continue to do so, from every hurt, every mistake and every loss. As I will from the positives, I gain something from everyone in my life.

I think, that I am lucky to have this perspective, I speak quite regularly to some people - who can't seem to see the silver lining, who don't realise that as bad as they may feel, there are people who have it worse. People who take every little thing as a setback and a personal affront, and I can't help but feel bad for them .... not because they have it tough, but because they can't seem to see that there is a way through. That if people leave their lives, they leave for a reason, or whatever... I pity the people who regret and lament everything.

So, it is a great oddity that today, I find myself with regret, missing someone who left my life - and missing them horribly too, I might add. They have been on my mind a bit lately, for whatever reason. And for someone I never actually met face to face, he had a great impact on my life, he was a truly amazing friend, and someone I just lost contact with. He always made me laugh, we caused sufficient trouble together and he always had a logical answer to my problems - and me, I was the crazy bitch who did whatever, whenever with little thought to consequences... something he always wished he could do, but found himself choosing the responsible route, so he lived his spontaneous nature vicariously though me.

As always, there is learning here. NEVER ask ''what if'' or ''should I''. Life is too short - don't ask, just do! Never allow the sensibilities of others to hold you back. Don't be scared to live, just because they are. Take risks, won't it piss you off if you take the safe option - and then get hit by a bus anyway? Everything is 50/50, but you could do something amazing - IF you take the risk.
There you have it, my life's only regret - I should have got on the fucking plane!!!!

Have no fear...

I am a fortunate person, in as much as I can say I have very good friends, friends who care about me (for some crazy reason,) quite a lot.
Which is lovely and I'm not complaining. But it is, at times fare to say, they care too much! Well meant intentions rule their perspectives.
My friends worry about my choices, my options and the consequences. But I really need them to understand that those things are indeed mine.
I own my mistake's, they are mine to make - and they are mine to learn from. When I defend things, maybe it's because I see more sides to it than people seem to realise that there are, and not because I am fighting blindly.
My friends want to protect my heart - but what is the point in protecting something that is supposed to be used. You can't truly open yourself to love anything if you are to scared to risk exposure and pain - and I want it, I am exposed, my heart has always been worn on my sleeve - this means it is scarred, and worse for wear, at times maybe a bit weary... but isn't it worth it? for the lessons learnt? I know it will be hurt again, and I know it will heal again. I will learn from this.
You may see me making what you consider to be 'the same mistake', but how can it be... when such different factors are involved. I am a different person, the people around me are different, as is every aspect of my life.... everything and everyone is constantly evolving.

I love these people who want to protect me, but I can protect myself. I love them because they want to, but more so, because I know that when I have not protected myself well enough, they will help me heal - as they always have. And as I would like to think I have done for them.
But, my friends - I mostly need you to understand that I have probably already considered your perspectives, your probable thoughts on my situation and so on, and while I always respect you, and what you say, you need to do the same for me. Understand I enter situations with eyes wide, cautious, but adventurous. Hopeful, but weary. I almost always know what I'm going into, I have an idea of how it'll play out alot... but sometimes I'm wrong. Sometimes people can surprise you.. if you let them. But either way, they are my choices to make, and good or bad, learn from.

Hunter S Thompson summed it up best with his quote (Which, I believe applied to the heart and soul - as much as they body) - A quote I will have inked on me, so I never forget.....

“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!” 

Finally figured out what's mine...

Last year, around this time I wrote a blog about peoples resolutions and the pressure's that they put on themselves. How people need to make the effort to change the things that they were dissatisfied with, instead of bitching and doing nothing.
I wouldn't call this an update,  but maybe just some musings over the last 12 months of my life and the trials I have faced....  2012 has been a strange year. Really strange.

It started as quite a hard time for me, for 2 reasons. Friends know one, and my closest friends know both - but this isn't about either of those things. The point is that I struggled a hell of a lot over those first couple  of months, a lot. But I have learnt and gained so much this year too. It has been a learning curve and a half for me.

I am now more assured than I have ever been of myself, I know myself better than ever before. I know my breaking points and  my strengths. And I discovered this year that I have pretty much the most incredible friends ever. I mean, I knew they were pretty fucking awesome, but really - They are beyond that.
Some of them have been putting up with my shit for years, (and really guys, I don't know how you did it, but thank you) - others haven't been around that long, but my fuck have they made an impact. I am very fortunate.

I am a very big believer that everything happens for a reason - which means people leave our lives or come into them at the point they do for a purpose. Early in the year I met someone I thought would be no more than a casual acquaintance - Only to find that this person would become a damn good friend and whats more,  would drag my ass kicking a screaming through a really tough time and offer me a degree of stability and the confidence to do things I have been unable to do before. This person walked into my life a week after I really needed someone.
Similarly, a close friendship I had hit the shit pretty badly, early on, and over several months of being quite mean and hurtful, lots of anger and frustration and deciding that the friendship wasn't worth the effort or work - it was almost lost. But, something would always pull it back at the last minute, and it's taken some work, but I'd say we are even closer now and for someone who caused me a lot of hurt, I would not want to consider my life without him around, and he  is pretty damn protective of me - seriously, hurt me - you'll be on his shitlist.
Even my more casual friends, occasional drinking buddies - I have been in a position to have to ask a couple of really shitty things of them and yet they have at no point been mad at me.
Is it me? Am I just that damn lovable? Fuck no - I am just lucky enough to be surrounded by fucking amazing people.

So, 2012 has been a year of struggle, sadness and learning - personal growth n all that shit (no, I don't mean I got fatter either). I have made drastic choices and decisions for myself  - without really having to worry about anyone else or the impact's it may have had. I have done things for myself for the very first time in a long time, and that is something I have seriously needed to do.
I have almost fallen apart this year, and I have been held together and drawn strength from the best people in the world - at least until I found my own again.

Over the next few days I expect to see a lot of comments about how shit the last year was, and how the next one will be better... that's shit. It's what people make of it - it's perspective. I could say it's been shit - but it hasn't because I choose to take out of it the good things. I choose to see the positives that have come out of the hard times. And I choose to use them things to improve my self and my situation.
Next year will be awesome - because good or bad, I learn from every little experience - because good or bad, I have the best people in my life. And now I'm ok and it's my turn to hold them up when they need it. And good or bad,  I can't wait to see what's next.