What happens when you give up? When you literally just quit on everything? When the only thing you really really start to
look for is a way out?
That’s when you need to seriously look at what’s happening.
That’s when it’s time to call for help. Doesn’t matter where you call on it
from, or how you do it, but please do it.
You see, I’m such a laid back, happy, chilled person – but a
few weeks ago, I was ready to quit and I didn’t even realize. I was looking for
a way out and I can tell you now, I didn’t coherently think to myself ‘’I want
to end this now’’ ... my only thought was that I wanted the pain to stop. I
wasn’t looking beyond that, I wasn’t thinking of the implications of my
thoughts or actions – just that I couldn’t stand to hurt anymore. I didn’t think about the aftermath, I didn’t
think about who’d have to deal with the consequences or how the people I’d
abandon would feel. I literally COULD NOT move past ‘’I can’t do this anymore’’
Luckily, my friends are pretty amazing people. They know me,
they know when to push me to do stuff. They know when not to leave me alone. I
think it’s safe to say they saved my life last week. They know they put me back
on track, helped me find me again, but I don’t think they realize that they
saved me.
The details don’t matter, the actions, thoughts and
consequences do..... I say this, because some people live with this, it builds
and finally they can’t take it any longer, but it can happen quickly too – 1 or
2 events that cause feelings to spiral out of control. It can happen over a few
days, and some people are not as blessed as I am when it comes to people know
care, or can recognize signs that help is needed. I don’t think my friends
realized how bad it was, but they knew enough to pull me out of my self imposed
darkness. It took a few weeks to push me to the edge of the abyss, and 7 days
to pull me back from it. I came back because I got to see this amazing support
network, I got to see how loved I am (I knew this, but I needed a reminder, I
guess). It’s the blatent reminder of what there is to live for, and that is
fucking beautiful.
Some are not this fortunate, and that is who I am worried
about here, those who don’t feel they can reach out. Those who’s false smiles
can fool the people around them. Those
who might not have anyone. So firstly, I
beg you to reach out. To anyone you can, friend, foe, charity helpline...
anyone. No one has to be alone, no one has to suffer in silence. I
may not know you well, or at all – but if I can help I will. I will always
listen. And everyone - please,
please watch out for each other.... look for the little signs that a person may
not be okay. A seemingly small thing can mean so much to someone.
Everybody deserves a chance. Everybody deserves to have
someone to listen.
And to those who were there when I needed you so much, when I couldn't even ask..... Thank you, thank you for seeing that I was lost, for helping me find myself. Thank you for pulling me of the edge. I love you all, every damn one of you. I could never put how much into words.
SupportLine
Telephone Helpline: 01708 765200
Calm: 0800 585858
HopeLine UK – 0800
068 4141
Lifeline
(N.Ireland) 0808 808 8000
Samaritans
helpline: 116 123
