I always seem to have a slightly crazy year ~ when I look back, things have never been nice and calm, is it just me? Do I possibly just draw the crazy in? Who knows, but good or bad, it's my life ~ it's moulded who I am and how I think, so I'm in for the long haul, I guess.
It's been a year with several downs, but the up's have made up for it very much. I loved, I lost, I broke a little, I healed, and as such ~ life continued.
At the start of the year, I was somewhat in love with someone who made me feel amazing and shit, depending very much on his perception of my life. When things were good, they were great - when he wasn't happy, well - you knew about it, but that in all honesty just bought my stubborn streak to the forefront. so swings and roundabouts, as they say. (They, by the way - come up with some silly sayings!!!). As things do, this all fell apart, not quite as spectacularly as some things have in my past, but indeed with a degree of bad vibes, pain and lessons to be learned.
My lesson in it all, was that it is true, that love sometimes just isn't enough, and if you have to value your worth, then you shouldn't be there. You should never compromise your own value, and the person who makes you do so, clearly does not care as much as the want you to think they do. I may not be worth a great deal to many but I am better than that. He told me shortly after ''Nothings lost forever'' and for a while (when questioning if I had done the right thing, or if I had fucked up the best thing I ever had) that little sentence gave me hope. But I realise this, it was never lost in the first place. It just wasn't meant to be, it rocked, but it's time had passed.
One of the best things to come of this, however ~ was the realisation that the people who are in my life, certain friends, are better than any glue - they are pure solidarity. Endlessly there, endlessly patient, endlessly loving. My bonds with certain people, have been strengthened tenfold. One in particular, whom I came so close to losing, has been a total rock. At times, an angry rock, who frustrated with me ~ has quite possibly wanted to scream and a shout, and shake me a little. Who has become more like family to me than I can explain, and alongside him, his family are like my own ~ wherever I roam, whatever I do ~ I always have a haven with them, I am always loved and sheltered by them.
I always say for everything a reason. If having a hard few months means I have mended the rifts that had started there, then I have suffered the pain gladly. If your reading, you know who you are - quite simply I love you, both. And 4.03 will always mean something.
As well as everything else around the time of all this change and heartache ~ came the time to move. I have done things somewhat backwards. At 19 I moved in with a partner and did the serious relationship thing, now at 33 I get to live with my friends. This has been a decision I was cautious about, however have not regretted for a second since I moved in, and with the addition of 2 new people ~ I am living in the best dysfunctional family ever! Me, 3 guy's, 5 chickens, 2 kittens, a duck, a hamster and 2 ferrets on the way.... And whatever other randoms and strays we happen to take in. An awesome house with a garden big enough to try and be at least semi-self sufficient. This is in all honesty the happiest I have been, as far as my living arrangement's go, and as much as I enjoyed living alone ~ it's always nice to have a houseful, or someone to talk to after a shitty day, or even better ~ someone to enjoy a cold beer with after a good day.
I have met someone, with whom I am on a similar wavelength to ~ someone who seems excited by my dreams and plan's of travel, who likewise has no wishes to be tethered to one place. A nomad who I will happily wander the earth with, (in a bell tent) someone who has opened my eyes to things I never thought of and who has so much to show me.
Vietnam is around the corner (Ok its a sizeable corner - but its there!), alongside so many other adventures to be had.
And everything that has happened this year has lead me right here. I am exactly where I am supposed to be, exactly when I should be there.
For everything a reason :)
